...swagga of a college kidd...

#shoutouts to Gmail

2010-11-15T22:56:00.001-05:00

Because Gmail experienced some suspicious activity on my account, they closed my shit. So, now I'm at collegekidd.tumblr.com. Holla at a playa... oh.. follow me on twitter to @collegekidd

formspring.me

2010-05-16T19:17:00.001-04:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/collegekidd

The burden of a bisexual.

2010-05-15T19:16:00.000-04:00

I don't really like to put a label on my sexuality... but for the sake of time and where I'm going with this, We'll call myself 'bisexual' today. I don't like it because there are many connotations to the word that just don't fit me. I never really said to myself 'hey, i like girls and boys'.... I never really made a decision about my sexuality.. It just was. I'm forced to address it because it doesn't meet the status quo. At times I wish I never woulda said anything, but the respect I get for being myself far outweighs any burden I may have. Also, I've helped many people come to terms with their own selves and it saves lives.. I know it saved mine.

Anywho, what I came to talk about was some of the stuff I've experienced because I'm "bisexual"...

Example 1: The Side Dip
For whatever reason, older women always do this to me.. I don't mean older like 40... I just mean older like 7 or 8 years my senior. Old enough to be my peer in some situations but still probably too old to be romantic with me. I entertain them anyway. Why? Well... hey... if you saw them you'd understand.

These women have boyfriends or in some cases husbands. Sometimes they hit me with the 'we're in an open relationship' speech or just straight up tell me they don't want hubby to know about me. Now, iIve been in a situation where the female told me that her dude was ok with her having 'girlfriends' and I really liked her so I lowered my standards to get next to her. Turned out to be the worse heartbreak of my life. Do I wanna talk about it? No.

The thing about it is, these women are probably closeted lesbians who have boyfriends 'cause... well for whatever reason... and want me to fufill their lesbian fix on the side.. Well, I'm not cut out for the side dip. Its funny 'cause when I let 'em know they kinda get upset

Translation:. "Why aren't you ok with me disrespecting you?"

One girl even told me I had issues with MY sexuality... She was the one with a mad boyfriend and a mad girlfriend... and I got issues.

The thing about open relationships is.. they aren't relationships at all. If you decide to be in a relationship with someone, then be in a relationship with someone. If you aren't satisfied, don't call it open. You're only wasting your time. Someone will get hurt, someone will get jealous, humans are programmed to be in pairs. Someone will be neglected, someone will be the third wheel. Everyone will end up alone.

Example 2: The Threesome
Yall already know where I'm going with this. I get asked to be apart of 3somes often. More and more lately for some reason... Its funny 'cause either the man or woman approaches me at first and it never fails always asks if i'm "JUST into girls.." I always smirk and tell the truth "Naw... I like boys too... " Then they try to ease their mate into the conversation. I entertain well, for entertainment. It's usually 2 very unattractive people that I wouldn't touch with your fingers...

I'm all about sexual liberation. Can't say that I haven't been in a menage a trois or two in my day..

But I don't wanna be the bisexual girl fantasy. I have too much to offer for that... and as I get older, I'm just not down with shit like I used to be...

Example 3: The Pressure not to tell the girl I like boys.. or vice versa.
On the rare occasion that I do get serious with someone, I always don't wanna tell 'em I'm bisexual. Or whatever... People are insecure.. you know at times you have to cater to their insecurities... But hey, I figure if you gonna be my dip, you can know I like both right? Its a part of me, granted a (bigger than) small part of me but its a part.

One female hated the fact that I liked guys. She literally wanted me to call myself a lesbian for her to feel better. I told her that if I wasn't satisfied with her, I was going to cheat regardless, even if I put the lesbian sticker on.. #kanyeshrug

Guys, well.. they never really get upset.... But then example 2 comes into play.. and I become 'the mate'

-----------

So, any of my other bisexual readers have that issue? My lesbian friends HATE when I talk about guys... My straight female friends, they don't seem to mind... they probably do, I guess. Hum...

I'm on a 24 hour twitter/fbook fast. So I can't promo this entry... yet.

#nowplaying:. "So Anxious" Genuwine

-CK

Interracial relationships: Why I can't adjust.

2010-05-14T01:57:00.000-04:00

In a perfect wonderful world, love would be blind. I really want us to be able to love across gender and color lines. We can, but regardless, it'll be political. Why?

The world is not perfect.

I am not perfect.

That being said. The black man/white female relationship is very political.. regardless of if the two are genuinely in love. Any time a black person dates outside of their race (especially white tho) its political. I dunno how it is with other ethnicities. Wouldn't be surprised if there was controversy involved. The thing I realize the white woman who loves a black man has to deal with is the black females involved in said black male's life. His sisters, cousins, mother, sister, aunts, friends... A black man who's in a relationship with a white woman will always get flack from the black females in his life.. regardless of if she's around or not.

Church, I have two examples then I'mma get outta your way..

Example 1
My cousin (our grandmothers are sisters so we aren't that close) is married to a white woman. Yesterday I saw a spider. Deathly afraid of spiders. I screamed. My mommy killed it for me. We had a funeral for the spider.. Anyway... I put on my fbook that "I screamed like a #whitegirl" at the sight of the spider. My cousin's white wife commented and said "watch it with the white girl jokes.. "

For her sake, I hope she was joking.

The thing is, my cousin was the one who chose to date a white woman. I talk about white people. I can't adjust because of his relationship. Not going to.

Example 2
I just came from seeing "Nightmare on Elm Street" with some homies... I give it 2.5 stars. Friends and I went to waffle house good friend of mine from highschool is "engaged" to this white girl. I again said something about white girls and my friend said.... "Yo.. you can't say that... " Being the asshole I am I raised an eyebrow and said "Why not?"

Like I said, I COULD make an effort to do better.. but the whole defiant black woman mentality gets the best of me. By no means am I jealous. Both white women are fat and unattractive. One guy's my cousin, one's a closet case... But I just don't feel like I should adjust in my laidback non-political life. I'm political for a living. Not while at home.. Not on facebook or at wafflehouse. Not politically correct when I'm relaxing. Sorry...

Am I an ass?

#nowplaying:. My Band" D-12.

-CK

Promo.. showing love.

2010-05-12T16:08:00.001-04:00

Hey yall, I don't promote the people I love enough in this blog. Last night I went to Poetry in Motion put on by my boy @DevineCarama. He's not only a friend but a DOPE emcee. Go to his website here listen to his music and enjoy. He's one of those rappers that make you wanna listen to what he's saying.. He's gotta Lupe/Tupac flow.

I got on the mic and did my poem entitled A Drunken Dream. I hadn't been on the mic since highschool. I was mad nervous but very liberated. I had been frustrated that day and expressing yourself is one of the best forms of therapy. Good stuff.

Ah yes.. and its the second Wednesday of the month you know what that means?! Black Girl Day!! I'll take this opportunity to say Peace to the memory of a black girl who has paved the way for many of us.. Mrs. Lena Horne. I was so bummed to hear of her death. Here's a vidy of her singing stormy weather.

Just a little promo. Watching Tyra.. this man has a vagina.. and I'mma throw up.

-CK

Generation Rushing

2010-05-08T13:08:00.000-04:00

By no means am I an expert on this subject...

I feel like my generation is rushing into things. Every other day, someone's having a baby.. and 3 of the kids I graduated with have even gotten married! Now, we graduated 2 years ago in 2008 and the oldest of us is 20... Isn't this the time where we're supposed to be 'sowing our royal oats' in a sense? I'm not saying fucking everybody or anything like that, but I AM saying you have to discover yourself before you can make a commitment to someone else.. or hell, make someone else.

Take it from me, late teens and early twenties are a selfish people... We can get married and have babies all we want.. We're still selfish because we're young and thats what we're supposed to be. I see it especially among young mothers that are my peers. They still are going to act their age... which to me in turn causes their child to be neglected in a sense.

No disrespect intended at all to young mothers... Just saying that I see...

Young mothers still be in the club, going on road trips and shit (doing what young people do).. and where's ya child? At home with their grandmother, aunt.. or whomever.. Its not fair. My mother had me when she was way past 20.. and i'm so thankful. I feel like I'd resent her if my 3 year old self had to share her with her immaturity. There's a time for everything. I'll go as far to say that younger than 25 is NOT the time to have a child..

Not to mention your ass don't have a degree, job, money, a house... you know.. shit you need for a child. I'mma tell my children you don't have the RIGHT to have a child if you're still living in my house. At 50 or so I plan on traveling and shit... not fucking with my grandchildren... Man, my kids gon hate me...

And marriage... Not nearly as many of my peers are getting married as are having babies.. (which is some backwards ass shit) but to me, marriage is serious. I feel like if you wanna dress up and have a party, thats what prom is for. Don't get married because you like someone alot. What is love anyway? At 20, I'm not the woman I'll be at 30.. you're not the man you'll be in hell, 5 years.. and our older selves might not be compatible so why make a vow to stay together until death? Hell, lets try to stay together until next week...

I have mad respect for people handling their buisness at this age... but by no means am i jealous.

What do yall think?

#nowplaying:. "Forever" Drake

-CK

In an effort to do better...

2010-05-04T22:03:00.000-04:00

I know, I need to #dobetter.. The end of the semester just got a little hectic.. Plus tweeting all day takes away from my blog inspiration. So, as my readers... I feel like yall should hook me up with some topics you'd like me to 'go in on' as the kids say. Yes, my blog is by me and ultimately for me, but I do want you the reader to enjoy and get something out of it.. So.. what would you like to see me write about? Get at me on twitter @collegekidd.. or e-mail me if you not a tweeter... cagwilliamson@gmail.com

It has been brought to my attention that someone was offended by one of my blog posts. I live by the principle that if someone is upset or mad at me, I must be doing something right. I never come to my blog to intentionally start drama, I don't try to make people mad. But like I said its MY blog. Said person thought I was talking about them and in turn stopped talking to me... So I asked a mutual friend a few weeks ago and she told me asshole was offended by my blog.. Now, in said blog entry I was calling someone out for being wrong.. I feel like if you don't want to be called out for being wrong, don't be wrong!

Not to mention, I wasn't even talking about her. I mean... If I offend you, why not just come to me? Thats what I do, I just let you know, we cool, but you offended me and don't do it no more.. It really doesn't have to be that serious. We ain't gotta stop talking, fight, whatever.. Cause you probably weren't trying to offend me and wasn't even aware. To me it isn't that serious.. If she doesn't care enough about the friendship to come to me and talk it out. I guess I don't either. #kanyeshrug

Just a lil short blog for yall, what do yall think I should do? Talk to her? Don't even tell me to apologize, cause I don't know how to feel remorse.

IIght, yall.. Get to thinking about dem topics that you want me to go in on. <3

#nowplaying: "So High" John Legend..

-CK

Golden Pussy Syndrome

2010-04-28T22:11:00.000-04:00

Whats up, yall?

I went to see Midnight Star and EnVogue in concert last night. They were amazing! The best time I've had in awhile. I love live music and they're two of my favorite groups. EnVogue did an old school medley. I went INNNN! Then when Midnight Star did "No Parking on the Dance Floor"?? Maann! Hubby & I had a great time.

Anywho, yall already know what I'm here for to clock the tea on these females. It all used to get to me, but its kinda funny now when I take the emotion out of a situation and look at things objectively. If you never take anything from my blog, take that. Take the emotion out of ANY situation and see if some special light isn't shed on it.

Its funny how people who take advantage of you will try to convince you that they aren't taking advantage of you.. I told this girl she treated me like a plan B.. and she asked me why and I told her why then she was like 'you shouldn't feel that way'.. and i'm just like ok.. I give you evidence of why you treat me a certain way and all you have to say is that i shouldn't feel that way? Goes to show you know you're treating me that way and don't plan on stopping.

Which is fine to be perfectly honest, but the thing about her is.. she wants to be put on a pedastal... but wants to treat me any old way. It just doesn't work like that. Yall, I tried to be ok with disrespect, I really did.. for months. But I just couldn't. I'm too big of a deal, too fine, too smart, too loving.. too.. alot of things.

Women have the "Golden-Pussy Syndrome"... (before yall get mad, myself included) Its not a bad thing necessarily.. but it is irritating... it can be. *sigh* getting my thoughts together while writing is so hard.. plus all this pakalolo I been smoking...

Anywho, my point is women have a false sense of entitlement (men do, but its different and not as complex, I'll talk about it later... ) From the time we are little girls, we are told that we're princesses, queens of the world, run shit, whatever.. and some 30+ year old women think thats how it is. Nevermind the fact that you have to be intelligent, respectful.. what have you.. put on some tight jeans and a long weave in and you can get whatever you want. That mentality will be the death of us. Now, no one appreciates a nice looking well put together woman more than I do.. but there's gotta be more to you.

Women think that they're womanhood will get them anywhere.. and with a lesser man than me? It might. I'm a natural pleaser.. and I'mma just do it regardless.. but damn, can I get treated nice to? A stigma of being a woman that loves women is that I can't deal with being treated like a man... You can treat a man any old way.. Long as you suck his dick, he's iight.. Now, by all means suck my dick.. but then you gotta treat me nice.. Damn..

I feel that my thoughts are scattered.. but oh well, you ain't gotta read..

Thats just one example of 'Golden Pussy Syndrome'.. the most typical one is of course throwing good pussy at someone and then expecting them to still respect you. Pussy doesn't equal respect... Matta fact, it might make me not respect you.. I intentionally try to fuck every girl the first time I chill with her just to see... Push me away, tell me no.. I like that shit.. Don't just throw it at me.

People with a Pussy need to realize, Golden Pussy syndrome works best when you DON'T pull ya pussy out.. #justsayin.

What do yall think?

Song of the Day:. "Complicated Melody"

#shoutouts to my lover @thewildseed.. follow her on twitter.. but not too closely, 'cause she all mine..

-C

formspring.me

2010-04-26T10:15:00.001-04:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/collegekidd

Gay & Black. Not the same.

2010-04-14T09:45:00.000-04:00

Morning, yall. I know it might not be morning when ya read, but its morning as I write.. and morning somewhere.. So a nigga is relevant..

Church, I came to blog about why gay rights are not like those of black rights. Why? you say would I blog about this? Because as a young activist, the two biggest groups I advocate for are queer folks and those of color... White gay men in particular think that just because they are gay they are 'down' or something... It is a big insult when (black) civil rights are put in the timeline of gay rights. Frankly, its not the same movement and not the same impact.

There have been a couple of instances on the yard where again a white gay man tries to make the word "Faggot" the same as "Nigger"... or compares the civil rights movements of black people to those of gay people. For one, being gay and being black isn't the same thing.

As a queer woman of color, black is who I am... 'gay' is who I happen to be boning at the time.

When I walk into a room, you see my chocolate skin, my locs, my booty, my lips, my nose.. you see a black woman. You do NOT see a gay woman. You can't cause well.. I can't gay.. lol.. and two, I can't wear my most intimate desires on my sleeve. Gay people have the privilege of hiding that they are gay if they want. It's a convenience as a black woman, I wish I had.

But on a larger scale, the histories of black people and gay people are different. Enslavement was a long time ago, but it still affects us and puts us as a people under white privilege, gay people haven't had to go through that. For one, gay people have been around forever and have their own clubs, tv networks, movies, all of fashion and culture in general. There's a place for gay people in society, a small place, but hell a place. You want a straight interior designer, or make-up artist? I think not..

Who do black people have? Al Sharpton and Tiny & Toya..

Gay people never had to drink out of different water fountains, use different bathrooms, go to the back door of a restraunt to get their food, sit on the back of a bus, or fight in wars for a country that sees them as 2/3s of a person. Frankly, gay people chose to be discriminated against because they chose to say they're gay. There are plenty of queer folk in the closet because they don't particularly wanna be discriminated against.

My point is, its very offensive when gay people try to jump on the nigga bandwagon because they want to be able to get married and adopt children.... Hell, its very offensive when ANYONE tries to jump on the nigga bandwagon. Why in HELL would you want to get married or have kids anyway?! LOL

Opinions?

Song:. "Mad" Neyo

-C

A Drunken Dream.. [poem]

2010-04-11T20:11:00.000-04:00

Hey yall, here's a poem I wrote yesterday to keep from dying from boredom at this forum. Comments are welcome <3

A Drunken Dream…

In a drunken dream

you came to me

and in your beautiful brown eyes

I could see

Tears ‘cause of me…

told me you felt deceived

‘cause the lack of affection

you had received from me.

And in my sleep

I felt my heart-beat

speed

increase

I felt myself get upset ‘cause

to all of my affections

you are the object.

and I never wanna

see my face in your

tears reflect.

So upset I was pulled

out of my drunken dream

and as my sleep ceased

I realized the tears belonged to me…

On to the next...

2010-04-08T23:18:00.000-04:00

I don't like blogging while mad... and Idk if mad is even an accurate word for how I feel... and the medicine might be the only reason I'm calm.. *sigh* Lets get right into it shall we?

For whatever reason.. (I have my theories) a lot of females have been getting at me this semester. I'm flattered... I promise I am.... I mean, no ugly girls either yall.. pretty brown girls with big booties beautiful smiles and jobs and shit... So... this blog is for any and everyone trying to win my affections... I'mma let yall know some very important facts...

IF you just want to fuck me? Don't come at me like you wanna date me... A physical relationship with me does not involve mind games. It involves you being honest, discrete and respectful. Let me know you want to fuck, why, how you like it and provide me with a copy of negative STD tests and we'll get going. But don't come at me like you want me to cuff you (is that the right term?) and then I hit it and you front me on the yard... You don't have to trick me into hitting that... To me, its just not that serious.

I'm hedonistic, and I love a good workout..

Second, require more of me. Please. I'm a dog... and if you don't require my respect? You won't get it. It's so attractive when a woman makes it hard for me. I want to pursue you.. I want to fail once or twice, makes it that much better when I win your affections. If I know I CAN hit it, I probably will and then I'll *yawn* and frankly be done..

Third, sexuality is a very sensitive subject and I understand that its not easy for brown girls to say they like girls too.. By no means do I want you to wear your sexuality on your sleeve, but if you want everyone to believe you gotta dick in your mouth, don't get at me... How am I supposed to feel if you're in my bed and I'm being fronted on the yard? I'm a dog but I got feelings too! I'm soooooo tempted to call people out sometimes... be like... "You can't speak? Did you not have a hand and mouthful of the Kidd last night?"

Just some things I've encountered yall... By no means have I shed tears or lost sleep over any of the scenarios above... I just wont be disrespected and again.. Won't be letting things slide. I tweet, blog and fbook about them.. but I confront them face to face too.. I see them all as training for who I'm really supposed to be with.. and if you don't think I already know who she is.. I do. #shoutouts to "Juliet" I'll be under your window tonight :)

Song of the Day: "Three Letter Word

-C

formspring.me

2010-04-03T10:11:00.001-04:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/collegekidd

It's NOT ok to be Fat.

2010-03-31T18:50:00.000-04:00

Peace to you, my readers.. Its a beautiful day outside.. My fone says its 78 degrees, and there's not a cloud in the sky.. I got on flip flops, yall.

Anywho, I'mma talk about a little pop culture. We live in a very vain society where white and skinny is put on a pedastal.. Within the last few years.. women like Monique and Queen Latifah have tried to give us a more realistic view of what beauty is.. As a black woman that where's a size 16 pants, and has 38 DD's.. I appreciate it.. BUT.. Shit, I'm really trying to choose my words... Ok, fuck it..

Its not ok to be fat.

I always try to look at things objectively, especially when they directly affect me. I want to jump on this "Phat Girl" bandwagon, but I can't. Not when my cousin just lost his damn foot because of diabetes and my grandmother, God rest her soul.. Lost her whole damn leg.. The thing is, black people struggle with things like diabetes and hypertension, and while some of us will never be a size 6, we don't need to be a size 26, either.

Everyone's skeleton is relatively the same size... Meaning, we're made to carry a certain amount of weight... Put ten blocks of concrete in a car, see if your shocks ain't fucked all the way up.. Carry an extra 50 lbs and wonder why ya ankles hurt.

So, while I respect Monique and hold her at a high regard because as a brown girl with thighs, I could look to her as a role model, I don't think it should give us permission to eat.. NOT TO MENTION, Monique lost a lot of weight herself..

What are yall's thoughts?

#nowplaying:. "Spirit of God" Youthful Praise

-C

Whats a goon to a gobblin?

2010-03-26T22:18:00.000-04:00

I know I know.. I been slacking... but you won't miss me if I write err day!

Church, today I'mma talk about hip-hop... more specifically rappers.. MC's... Now everybody's a rapper.. everybody gotta mix tape... for whatever reason I'm always being asked to listen to somebody's shit.. maybe cause i'm honest or a music aficionado.. either way.. I love rap music. I love words and I think they can be manipulated to be beautiful art.. but a beat and 16 bars does NOT make a song.

It just gets old, everyone's always rapping about the same thing, making money, getting pussy, hustlin... thats fine.. But isn't art supposed to be an imitation of life? Everyone's not doing that... I just feel like if you'd rap about day to day stuff people would identify better. I like music that I can dance to in the club, but what about when I'm on my way to a boring ass class ya know? Or something to wind down to after a long day? I can't wind down to the Wacka Flacka... ok.. Naw, I don't even like him and he will never get the honor of being on my iPod.. Ok, so I can't wind down to Wayne.. and I LOVE him.. "We Be Steady Mobbin'" is my SHITTTT!! But it always gets me hype!

The point I'm trying to make is I think that there's a time and place for everything.. and while "My Chick Bad" (Ludacris) is good, we need more Commons and Black Thoughts.. That rap about intellectual stuff or hell, even love. Everything sounds the same to me.

I just feel like we should get past 'getting money', 'whats a goon to a goblin', 'it aint trickin if you got it'... thats just not my reality.. and its fine if it is yours, but I see a lot of rappers rapping about that stuff when they're intellectual asses are in class with me. It all seems real fake to me.

"Man I promise,she so self conscious.... she has no idea what she doing in college... the major that she major in won't make no money.. but she won't drop out... her parents'll look at her funny.."

Something I can totally relate to..

Whatchall think?

#nowplaying:. "Get Em High" Kanye and Talib

-C

Disrespect. Part 2?

2010-03-19T19:02:00.000-04:00

Let me remove the cobwebs...

Hey yall, Its been a while but I just been spring breaking it. I had an epic St. Patty's day. Went over my white boy's crib.. played beer pong, we're undefeated, who wants us?! Wasn't hungover, thought I was going to be. Almost killed myself on a mint on the way over, but I got it together. Thanks to the Cane's fruit punch....

Anywho, lets talk about disrespect for a minute yall.... Now yall know the theme for 2010 is not to let things slide, right? Well, a friend of mine seems to lose my number unless she wants something. Her actions tell me she knows she's wrong but 'sorry' or 'i was wrong' or 'my bad' is not in her vocabulary. So... last week sometime she texts me of course asking for something.. Now church, I had previously texted her twice that week, not important shit.. but I coulda got a 'hi' back... Initially, I wasn't going to respond, but she put a smiley face after the message and it got under my skin for some reason. So, in the nicest way I knew expressed my disdain at her trying to take advantage of all this good friendship I've been offering with no reciprocity.... she (as she always does) dismissed my feelings.

But, my feelings weren't hurt, ya know? I have been asking God to deliver me from any control she had over my emotions and He did. I mean, I put my all too fast into friendships and I always feel hurt and disappointed. I thought she'd be a life long friend but the relief I have now that I could take her or leave her?

I might be about to sound cliche but I always want to help whoever's reading. My view of friendships has really changed since college... People are fickle, flakey, and fake. 97% of the time who you're dealing with is only going to have 15 minutes of spotlight in your life and they need to be treated as such. My problem is that I deal with people until their 27th minute when the expiration date on us was up long ago. I know I'm a good friend... and not everyone needs to be exposed to it.. for my own sanity.

Disrespectful situation #2 and on a lighter note... I didn't mean to preach to yall. LOL..

Men... If you want to chill with a young lady.. Do NOT text her at ten till midnight like its ten till noon and ask her what she's up to. This has happened to me twice this week from the SAME nigga.. I haven't responded to any of his texts and he still hasn't got the hint. Now, there's only so much I'll be up to that close to midnight and if its not sleep, you obviously weren't invited. I don't think men understand how wack they look at these desperate ass bed texts. If you want to chill with a girl, I'm pretty sure the cut off is around 7:45 pm.

Because of my lifestyle, I don't know why my standards of manhood are so traditional... But they are.. and even when I'm romantic with ladies, I hold myself to that same standard... why yall think I gotta harem?! #pow. Just playing ladies...

Iight, off to enjoy my weekend, I suppose.

-C

formspring.me

2010-03-11T10:53:00.001-05:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/collegekidd

Happy Black Girl Day!

2010-03-10T11:18:00.000-05:00

As If I don't talk about them enough... Lately I been being mean to yall, but I only talk about you 'cause I worship your footsteps. My twitter sister ('twister'?) @sistertoldja got this day going.. Check it out here...

I'm going to talk about some black women who have been influential in my life...

First of all, lets talk about my momma.. She raised (who am I kidding? is raising) my brother and I by herself... She is honestly one of my best friends. I talk to her everyday about school and she talks to me everyday about work... She's the biggest influence of my life and taught me a long time ago that I will never need a man or anyone else to validate who I am. She's the reason that I got perms and the reason that I never will put a chemical in my head again. She was the first woman in our family to go natural when I was 8 or 9.. and since I wanted to be just like her, I did too. I'm so thankful she showed me that the kinky thick ass hair that grew outta my head was beautiful. She blessed me with my good looks and my temper ;) Now if only I could convince her to be on my reality TV show...

Under the umbrella of my mother's influence is her older sisters. My aunties!! Those are some special friends for real yall. My aunt has her PhD in social work and raised my cousin (one of the greatest men I know.. who has his masters in engineering) my herself. She's the reason I know I gotta get a degree in SOMETHING. Again, taught me that I don't need a man to be happy and that everything might not necessarily go as planned but life goes on...

Oh black women.. I just get full talking about you.. and I haven't even got to those who aren't related to me yet...

Some famous black women that have inspired me are...

Maya Angelou... her poetry brings me to tears.. As a sophomore reading her book "Caged Bird" my life changed. I haven't been the same since. She's coming to my city next month. If I get to see her, I'll faint. LOL

Monique... yes, she's a bit ignant. But looking at her success helps thick black girls like me know that we don't have to be skinny or light to be successful.

Jill Scott... her lyrics show that you don't have to be trashy to enjoy sex. Half the people don't even know she's talking about getting it from the back in her song "Epiphany"

"Flip side, stomach meets sheets.. and he plows inside as if he's making beats... "

I love black women so much, some times I don't even realize I am one ;)

I'm hungry and I need to clean a bit so I'm wrapping it up.... From your thighs, to your eyes... black women.. I worship you... <3

Song of the Day:. "Epiphany" Jill Scott

-C

Do I EVER stop talking about women?

2010-03-06T23:13:00.000-05:00

Its been awhile since I've blogged. Sorry, loves. Life is busy. Never too busy for you tho...

Things have been happening. Its funny how life works... I will never proclaim to be good at dealing with people, especially in a romantic way, but I will say that I've learned a lot in the past couple of months... about females especially. For one, they'll always try to make you prove yourself to them... which on some level is necessary, because we all do it.. but they'll let you know they don't fucking believe what you say. Also, they'll talk to you about all of their problems if they truly dig you or trust you. Its cute, but stressful at times, cause honestly, I don't always know what the fuck to say.

I'm not sensitive so I know I can't be explicit in my advice or what have you.. and a lotta times they just want ya ear.. Don't even want your opinion, which is fine.. cause I don't enjoy giving it.. at all. I find that my opinion is always.. to take the emotion out of the situation and look at it objectively. But my emotions are broke so... I can't tell a species who's oxygen is emotion to not use it.. lol. *sings* "Tell me how i'm 'posed to breaf with no ayyyaaa!"

I'm talking like I've been dealing with 20+ women.. lol, I haven't. Which is something else I've learned about myself. I won't go as far to say I'm a "one woman man" but I have really decreased the people I'm romantically involved with very recently. Before the start of this year, I was always talking to 2 or 3 people at a time. Still don't see the point of monogamy.. but I feel like I just want to focus on one person, ya know? Maybe I've just found the person who's enuff for me...

I'm just trying to enlighten yall and give yall my perspective... 'cause I know those of us who love women go through a lotta SHIT. I'm not all wise or all knowing.. Its all fluid. I know that I'm a woman and I'm happy and ok with it.. My emotional habits just aren't consistent with those that I deal with... and men, if you weren't so fucking simple, I'd talk about yall more..

Song of the Day:. "Can I Come Over" Aaliyah. <3 #pandora.

-C

A poem.

2010-03-02T22:59:00.000-05:00

A poem since I haven't in many moons.. It's called "I have a wall Built up..." All capitalizaions, spellings are correct.. i'm on my e.e Cummings...

The Burden
of this wall around my heart
Stops this new love from
its start.
An apology may be in order
'cause you can't cross this
Boarder.
I've worked to hard on protecting
my love...
Past lovers built this wall
of heartache
with bricks of insecurity
selfishness and disloyalty
I want to be able
to love you, -but
this wall is impossible
to get thru...
So with time maybe
you can climb
and dwell
between the space with me
among the wall and
my heart-beat.

-C

A Waffle.

2010-03-02T01:57:00.000-05:00

Alright yall... In the words of my homie.. "I'm not confused, I'm just distraught." I won't boost my ego and assume you a regular reader so I'll brief you on the situation at hand... Basically was talking to this girl, realized I wasn't attracted to her (we'll get to why later), told her that I just wanted to be friends and she didn't respect that. So, I got fed up and do what we do in this decade, deleted her off facebook, blocked her from my tweets and deleted her number outta my fone.. (But I kept her friend's number.. #dontjudge)

Now, she's been calling me every 4 or 5 days which is rare for her and we have these really awkward conversations. Last night, she called and we got into a discussion about women. It all started when I told her that I found myself not being attracted to women much anymore. She went in to how all women basically wore their emotions on their sleeve and were needy. I disagreed because, I'm neither and I'm a woman. Then she said women only suppressed it for me because they thought I was a big deal. I felt frustrated because she blames everything on me and a simple discussion was quickly getting emotional (as it does with women)...

Yall ever heard that women are spaghetti and men are waffles? Well, I musta missed some chemicals because i'm a waffle. [and i'm color blind.. momma, what was you smoking during pregnancy?!?!?] If I'm discussing something even if I'm passionate about it, I'm not going to get emotional because frankly, i'm always right and if its just a discussion, who cares? If it can be discussed its always gonna be debatable!

She got emotional and some how it got to her not getting on twitter anymore because I blocked her.. Yall, she only got on twitter to read my tweets.. and then when I blocked her she never got on anymore, what else am I supposed to think, and then am I not supposed to think I'm a big deal? She got mad 'cause I called her out.. #kanyeshrug.

Of course I turned into the bad guy.. It always goes back to me being heartless and selfish and 'not ready to love her'... which is bullshit because frankly if you're love-able I'm going to love you regardless... I'm not in love with her, and at this point, I'll even go as far to say I don't love her. She just has too many insecurities...

She argued that if you love someone you have no choice but to show it... and I think you always have a choice.. What do yall think? I love my sister, but I don't fuck with her 'cause she's a mooch. Does it mean that I don't love her because I don't fuck with her?

In the words of Tina Turner.. "Whats Love gotta do with it?!"

I don't usually solicit comments, but your thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Especially the ladies.. I need a 'spaghetti perspective'.

Song of the Day:. "If I Were You" Tamia

-C

For those who don't know.. Men are waffles because they can separate emotions from everything.. like the squares in a waffle.. and Woman are spaghetti because everything is all mixed.. just like spaghetti..

When it hurts so bad...

2010-02-24T23:43:00.000-05:00

Hey Yall...

I like to think my feelings are pretty strong. But they are hurt right now. I can't go into too many details... I just wish that she wouldn't only fuck with me when she wants something. Its confusing. My feelings for her are way stronger than hers for me, I realize that. But damn, I feel like a puppy waiting for scraps from the dinner table. The hardest thing to do to her is say no.. but I will if it minimalizes the hurt I feel when I get ignored 'cause she doesn't need me anymore.

I'm sorry for the emo entry, yall. I do it so I can read it and one, be humble and two, learn.

Shout outs to the beautiful ladies of Zeta Phi Beta for inviting me to be on their panel tonight. We discussed 'being black and gay' the questions were cute. This was a big step for me in my sexuality, yall. I don't discuss it personally 'specially on campus with these niggas. I think it was a good discussion, too. And you KNOW I got some numbers ;)

I may be heartbroken? But I still got it!

Alright, let me get on this laundry and this game spittin'.

song of the day:. "When it Hurts so Bad" -Lauryn Hill

-C

Living in a Gay world.

2010-02-22T22:01:00.000-05:00

Because of my sexuality, I've realized that its not safe to say that "Heterosexual" is the standard. I mean that sexual lines and gender roles aren't black and white... and 'straight' people do a lotta stuff that is real gay to me. Call me stereotypical or whatever.. but I'm only going by personal experiences.

I was singing at a concert Sunday before last and a young man did some miming to a song, I forget which one. But I was sitting there looking at him like 'damn this looks familiar'. Then it hit me, this is a LOT like drag. Black people especially do a lot of gay shit and try to put a gospel spin on it then its 'ok'.

Then, just now I was looking at this guy's pics on fbook. He's greek.. and that seems REAL homo to me. A bunch of niggas standing around touching each other? Now, sororities aren't gay to me for whatever reason... but Frats are real homo to me, especially when they stroll... If you so straight, why put ya dick that close to another nigga's ass? I mean, its fine with me.. lol.. But it ain't 'straight' either..

Let me put a disclaimer on this... this may sound like being gay or 'homo' is something negative.. Its not, I'm just saying especially in black culture, there's a lot of stuff that is homosexual but at the same time in some places the gays are discriminated against when they contribute a lot to the culture.

I'm thinking about black and gay issues cause I've been asked to be on a panel (by some Greeks) on what it means to be black and gay in America. Frankly, I just be tryna live my life... I'm cool with being a guinea pig tho. I just want people to learn that I'm just like everyone else. I don't wanna be viewed as an outsider just because I might happen to kiss a girl. Especially, when I'm not alone in that boat ;)

alright, let me work on this powerpoint. More to come later. I appreciate my readers whole-heartedly.. As soon as I get my software together, I'mma do more blogs in the form of videos.

Song of the Day:. "You Are Not Alone" MJ

-C

STILL not letting things Slide..

2010-02-17T23:11:00.001-05:00

Hey.

So yall know how I said I wasn't going to let things slide in the 2010? Well, its working out well, but then again not so well... and I just realized how serious it was when I expressed to my own mother how I was feeling about some shit and I get a "Well, I'm going to bed..." There's not a woman in this world I love more than my mother, but frankly I don't give two fucks if she's feeling some type of way. To me, that just validate the fact that I was right. She's been taking out the fact that my brother's a fuck up on me, and I told her and she pulled the 'feeling overwhelmed' card. I can't be worried about it.

Me not letting things slide caused me to have to move out of humble abode into another one... I'll be a bit respectful and not say why.. Won't happen often tho... Also, my cousin's sister won't speak to me AT ALL. Her immature ass had my cousin worried 'cause he hadn't heard from her then sent me a text.. I kindly told her not to text me until she got in touch with her brother.. Right is Right. Wrong ain't. We all went to the movies Saturday, she didn't say one word to me. Another example of age being no indication of maturity.

Told the young lady that I was 'talking to' that she wasn't offering me anything I wanted to be a part of so I didn't see why she was making me out to be the 'bad guy' when I said I just wanted to be friends. Women should stop putting themselves on such a pedestal and look in the mirror. I understand wholeheartedly why someone wouldn't want to be with me... but she can't understand why someone wouldn't want to be with an immature, dramatic, sociopath... o_O... Another indication that I'm too insensitive to be romantic with women. Hell, I didn't answer husband's fone call today and he ain't even trip, he was like 'oh, just wanted to see how you were doing..' I was liteweight confused yall.. EVERY woman in my life catches an attitude when I don't answer the phone (a bill that she doesn't pay..)

Husband was checking on me because I was super sick yesterday yall.... I was tossing my cookies all afternoon! Maybe it was something I ate, my medicine, stress, a virus.. I'm not sure yall... But I had to carry everything to God in prayer! LOL... I'm better now, still a bit weak.. Not really wanting to eat or anything but I be iight. Of all the weeks for me to get sick, this definitely ain't the one! I have paper due, test to study for, campaign work to do.. This snow and sickness needs to really get outta my way. I won't be hindered!

Anywho, Off to bed... Peace to the memory of my Aunt "stelle"...

Song of the Day:. "I Gotta Find Peace of Mind" -Lauryn Hill

-THEE KIDD

Tyler Perry on Black in America..

2010-02-14T22:17:00.000-05:00

So, I'm watching Black in America on CNN. I knew a little of Tyler Perry's story.. but they went in depth, yall I'm feeling all inspired. Now, a lot of people criticize his Madea character, but I think that we should only criticize when that image of Madea becomes un-true. There's no doubt I find Madea so funny because I've seen her in the women in my life as I was growing up and today. He didn't make Madea up, he's just going by his experience. We'd be talking bad about him if all he portrayed was burgeious negros.. He portrays both. I think he does a GREAT job of representing 'us'.. Why Did I Get Married? is def on the top 10 of my great movies list.

There are so few of us represented in the media that we should be VERY careful who we criticize, when and where. I'm not saying that we should just accept any black person on TV, because there IS fuckery out there... (shout outs to the Wayans brothers and Frankie and Neffie) but I don't think Tyler contributes to the fuckery. Frankly, he's the last person we should be worried about, lets get on these rappers and singers, please if we want to criticize....

Not to mention, we're only contributing to the double standard of being 'properly represented' if we're so diverse as a culture, one man can't represent us properly anyway right?

Anywho..

How rude of me for not offering greetings before I jumped on my soap box? Hello, Hope all is well in ya life..

The weekend was pretty cool, got to sing with the choir twice. My voice is very tired and mad respect for those who make a career out of singing. Speaking of, I met Vanessa Bell Armstrong today.. She had on a badddddd mink coat, yall.

Depending on the amount of snow we get, I have a busy week ahead. I'm just working on finding that balance to stay busy enough to not have time to be depressed, and not kill myself. Right now, I'm doing tooooo much!

Alrighty, watching my boo on CNN I'm distracted...

Song of the Day:. "Irreplaceable" Beyonce.. "you must not know bout me!"

-C

Frustration and Sexuality.

2010-02-13T21:39:00.000-05:00

Whats up, yall?

I feel so... different, lately. It might have to do with the fact that I haven't been to therapy this year so I really haven't gotten to talk my feelings out.. but I don't enjoy that and I'm really not sure what I'm holding back. I often find myself saying "I'm so damn frustrated." My mother told me its because I'm involved in too much stuff, something I've heard before. Hers is an opinion I'm very tired of hearing, but I always take seriously. She's right. She told me to take it down a level, and I might just have to do that.

Frankly, I am a part of too many organizations on campus. Too many organizations that aren't really doing SHIT. Call me what you want, I'm a big deal and I'm tired of being apart of stuff that's mediocre. I think thats part of my frustration. I'm passionate about everything I do and I hate to see so much potential going to waste because of egos. I'm sure my ego is bigger, and I get shit done.

I ain't smoked or drank anything since I got back from Dallas.. Operation: detox is about to get failed. I enjoy the finer things in life. Yes... cheap wine is a finer thang to me ;)

Now, between me and you... I find myself not being attracted to women lately.. and being VERY attracted to men... by no means do I think I'm 'turning straight'... but I'm a firm believer that sexuality is on a continuum... It was hard for me to come to this of course because of society... but right now, women just aren't doing it for me... and thats fine.. I've been praying for less stress in my life, God has his way of answering. I'm listening <3.

tomorrow I might be a lesbian, don't judge me.

Song of the Day:. "Anytime" Brian McKnight.

-C

Facebook Fuckery

2010-02-11T11:58:00.000-05:00

Hello children...

Social networking sites (facebook, twitter) have really changed the way we communicate. Frankly, I'm fed up. Now, since I'm away from home and have friends and family everywhere, facebook is the way I stay connected to my folks.. so I don't really want to stop using it all together... but some of my 'friends' and 'followers' really abuse the privilege of being connected to me virtually.

FOR EXAMPLE...

I put up controversial statuses sometimes, people get wayy too emotional. I don't want the people who 'like' my status to have 54 notifications because two people decide to duke it out via my status comments..

OR.. I put up a status and get text messages about it.. like we're having a conversation.. No, if you have something to say about my status, comment on it like the rest of my fans... OR if I put up song lyrics, God forbid I might just be listening to the song... if you have to ASK if its about you, its not ;)

Requesting MY friends. I HATE when I see two people become friends and the ONLY reason they have a connection is because of me. I feel liteweight violated... and I don't want my friends to be exposed to the socially retarded people that are in my life. Makes me look bad. Why request someone you've never laid eyes on anyway?

Lets see what else..

OH!! All these apps! Farmville, Sorority Life, Mafia Wars, Cafe... And it be GROWN ASS PEOPLE with JOBS playing these games...

Events, groups, fan pages, messages... Leave me alone.

So.. Yea, I just needed to rant a bit about the fuckery we know as facebook. I really want to delete a few people.. but that would cause unnecessary drama since I am friends/family members with said individuals..

There's more to talk about, but I'd like to lay down a bit before class.

Later

-C

200th and a year!!

2010-02-08T16:07:00.000-05:00

This is a special day for my blog, yall. It's my 200th post and my one-year anniversary!!!

I feel like I should give an acceptance speech or dedicate this blog to someone, but i'm too selfish for that so... lets talk about my life..

Dallas was loads of fun. I learned a lot about the community and myself. I don't want to make anyone mad so I'll save my criticisms of the gay community for a rainy day, but trust. I do have plenty. About myself, I learned that regardless of where I go, I'm not going to fit in and in the words of my husband "and thats fine"... I just thought that since this was a Task Force conference I might find more people like me.. and I did. But in the grand scheme of things, I still feel like an outsider. I'm not mad about it, just had an epiphany.

I met some cool people. Shout-outs to them ;)

I also got to stay in the executive suite and I'm so mad I didn't steal one of those AMAZING bathrobes. I'd walk around in it all day if I could.

WHO DAT?! !?!!?!? I'm super stoked that the Saints won! Nawlin's needed it.

iight. I have laundry and two tests this week. I can't be fuckin with yall all night.

Song of the Day:. "I find no fault in Him" -Fred Hammond

-C

White people are crazy.

2010-02-01T18:24:00.001-05:00

Hello, I feel like its a minute since I've blogged... So lets see, what have I been up to?

Saturday I went to the Rocky Horror Picture show.. I don't get all the hype. The first time I went I was sober and fell asleep, this time I told my friends they had to get me drunk if they didn't want me to sit at home. They did. It was still wack.

Anywho, in my race class today we discussed Chris Matthew's comment. For those who don't know, he said "He forgot Obama was black for an hour" during his State of the Union. Now, this statement proved that white people will try to defend the most disrespectful remarks. I try not to get mad but come on yall, even if he didn't have bad intentions (which I seriously doubt) it offended a whole bunch of people. Some try to argue that Matthews was trying to say that Obama "transcended" race during his speech and for once wasn't our 'first black president' but 'our president'. It is awfully interesting that race didn't need to be transcended in the presidency until someone with a race became the president. Also, people need to realize that black people have always thought of the previous 43 presidents as 'white men'... and we know that if Obama was doing something white people didn't like, he would become the 'black president' again.

Yall ain't foolin' me. Not to mention he's as white as he is black.

But anywho, I'm going to Dallas in less than 24 hours and I need to pack. I'm super excited. I hope I'll have pictures and experiences to share.. and I also hope there are some I can't ;)

Song of the Day:. "I Wish I Wasn't" Heather Headley.
(all of my songs mean something..)

-C

formspring.me

2010-01-28T22:49:00.001-05:00

If you could be white, would you?

Hell No, white people are horribly unaware. There's a swag and intelligence I have because I'm a black woman. Thanks.

Ask me anything

Detached.

2010-01-28T09:30:00.000-05:00

Whats up yall?

I did a vlog, but I didn't like it.. so, I ain't postin' it.. I can't find my cord either..

So.. I'm trying to figure out when I got like this. Yall, I'm so emotionally detached from everyone. Like, she was on the fone crying last night cause i'm such an asshole and I really just didn't care. I don't want to be like that. Seems, inhumane... But its like I have no control over it. I've never been good at faking.. and at times when I get concerned about people maybe I have been faking in the past. For whatever reason, I can't do it anymore.

I mean, I'd say in the past year my emotional scale has changed. For example, when I went to see Seven Pounds with my girls they were boo-hooing and I was just sitting there.. Like "Ah well.." I mean, I cry in EVERY Will Smith movie... LOL... Its like there are moments when I know in the past I'd cry but the tears won't come, the emotion is absent.

Emotion isn't completely absent.. just the ones I'm known for feeling I suppose.. Like sympathy... I have none, for anyone. For one, I don't trust anyone to keep it 100 with me.... Idk why, yall. Lately people stay mad at me. They say I'm selfish.... Its draining when everyone's mad at you and you can't do anything about it. I don't wanna be withdrawn from society in general but lately, its easier to just be alone.

I know I have a wall up. Yesterday ex-husband said "...you want to care. But you stop to protect yourself" He hit the nail on the head. I've cared before and frankly it got stepped on. #in2010, I can't be worried about it. Part of me wants to change, part of me enjoys not being attached to anyone. Its easier not to be at risk for pain...

I realize I might be talking in circles, but hey... It's where I'm at now...

Song of the Day:. "I'd rather go blind" Etta Fitzgerald.

-C

Less than sympathetic.

2010-01-25T20:07:00.000-05:00

Whats up, yall? I feel like I haven't blogged in a minute, was going to do a video blog but I moved and can't find my camera. Its around here somewhere. Oh, I'm happy with my new living situation. I have my own room, thank God... Idk if I told yall why I was moving, lets just say my roommate and I's lifestyles couldn't exsist in the same space ;)

Anywho, I deal with women a lot... which shouldn't be news to you if you read this blog.. LOL.. but I think a mistake a lot of us (women) make is putting someone on a pedastal and making them responsible for our feelings. I know I've done it, ended up getting very hurt. I'm not sure how to take someone's control away.. I just know it has to happen or you'll STAY upset. I'm realizing the other end of this because the shoe's on the other foot. This young lady I was dealing with blames me for EVERYTHING. I mean, shit that problably happened before I was even born.. gets mad when I need to get off the fone to go take a shit.. I mean arguments every other day.. In #2010, I can't be worried about it.. So I had to end the romantic part of our relationship. I have feelings for her... but whats love got ta do, got ta do with it? If we're upset with each other every other day? I mean, I feel like it just takes so much outta me. I don't like to argue, because I never lose. Just a fact. Makes people upset.

I feel bad for not being able to be more sympathetic. Point is, I have goals.. I can't emotions get in the way.. I've done that in past semesters. I'm paying for it now. I just want non-confrontational friendships... and as far as dating goes? If we argue more than we have sex? Not happening.. Only one person has been able to give me that... and surprise.. It's a man...

#Inothernews. I'm working on a political campaign and I'm SUPER STOKED about it!!!!!

Well, its my good friend, "Slim"'s birthday. I love her so.. Going to clean the room a bit before I go to the movies with her..

Song of the Day:. "Make Her Say" Kid Cudi

-C

formspring.me

2010-01-25T17:48:00.001-05:00

why are you so damn amazing?

Whenever anyone asks me anything about myself, I always tell them to look at my maker. I'm an ordinary girl with an extraordinary God who's gracious enuff to let His self shine through me :)

U need a nigga in ya life

LOL, I have one... more than one, I'm good. Thanks.

where do you like being kissed?

My lips, if you want a more detailed answer, you have to ask personally. LOL

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-01-24T22:23:00.001-05:00

do you have feelings for anyone at this present moment & if not do you think i could have a chance with you? i could be your dreamgirl...

Honestly, I do have feelings for 2 very special women. Don't know if it'll work out. I'm open. What makes you think you'd be my dreamgirl?

Ask me anything

Selfish

2010-01-23T14:00:00.000-05:00

Hey yall, its been a rough couple of days. To make a long story short, my roommate and I dont see eye to eye.. So I'm moving out. #In2010, I can't be worried about it. She's mad. But she doesn't want to be respectful so I must leave before I go postal... and thats exactly what I told the housing people. They drew me up a new lease with a quickness.

They tell me I'm selfish. Ok.. so actually one female tells me I am. I honestly, dont see how I am. I mean, I'm not the nicest person in the world and if I'm not interested, I won't fake it. But how selfish am I when you're the one who wants all of my attention? I for one think THAT's pretty selfish. Nevermind the fact that I had a hard day too.. Just sit and listen to my problems... Naw bruh.. I feel like we all rely on each other too much. I just be wanting to tell people to pray about it. Its what I do.. and it works out fine. Of course I talk to who I talk to... but I don't wanna be that guy who's name pops up on your fone and you dont answer cause you know its about to be an episode of the young and the restless.

Call me crazy but I just want to be able to enjoy someone sometimes without hearing about their problems. I rarely get to do that with said person. I do love her, but she doesn't appreciate it. So I'm done... part of me hates to be that way, but part of me is excited at the lower levels of stress to come because she's no longer a priority.

Harsh.. Yea. I know. AH WELL.

Ok, I must finish this laundry. You might see random questions popping up. Its via formspring.me. Feel free to ask what you want. formspring.me/collegekidd

-C

formspring.me

2010-01-21T23:59:00.001-05:00

what would be your ideal first date?

Lets see. I don't like traditional shit. So anything but a dinner and a movie. Maybe an art gallery or going to a poetry slam.. you know grown stuff like that.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-01-20T23:46:00.001-05:00

Describe your perfect husband

A man thats has as much swag as my dad. Who loves his mother, is very chivalrous and passionate. Someone who enjoys the finer things in life and isn't afraid to tell me to shut the hell up.

Ask me anything

a bit disturbed. and busy.

2010-01-19T22:30:00.000-05:00

Evening loves.

This morning when I rose, yea... LOL.. just playing.. I was watching CNN and it was showing a bunch of white people getting of a plane in Pennsylvania carrying their black babies. The children were Haitian refugees and while I don't want to trun this tradgedy into a political/racial issue, it is. It disturbs me to see that adopting black children is becoming a trend. What if I adopted a swede child? Yall'd be mad as hell, but it still wouldn't be the same because of the history of America. I'm sorry, it reminds me of slavery. I wasn't there, but I can't get that image out of my head. I'm glad the children have a home tho, and I wish more of my people had the resources and money to adopt. We can't adopt, we do a good job of having plenty of our own. LOL

[[http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/20/world/americas/20orphans.html?src=twt&twt=nytimes]]

Story is in the link above.

Anywho, I been feelin' inspired lately. I had to look up some back LGBT figures for a black history project we're doing this month. I hope a young kidd is looking ME up one day ;) I want to do big thangs, yall.

I'm goint to the Creating Change Conference in Dallas in two weeks. Any of my readers going?! I can't wait! I'm super pumped! I can't wait to learn and network.. but I'm tryna get me a couple of girlfriends and boyfriends too.. OK, just joking. ;)

Alrighty, I'm realizing this semester my Tuesday's gonna be madd busy! But its all good, I get thangs done.

I'm starting to learn what L O V E is... <3

Song of the Day:. "Newness" Musiq Soulchild

She says "There's never a dull moment with Carrie __________"

-C

Let it be broke...

2010-01-17T22:54:00.000-05:00

'Round a year later? I'm starting to realize how important this blog is to me. I'm not good at expressing my feelings and I don't really have the desire to directly, but I recognize that the things you feel need to fall on someone's ears. This blog lets me do that. I have plenty of friends who care, and if I could just sit down and let 'em know that I was super hurt, angry or happy about something, I would. (I do sometimes, but its hard) Also, I want to use my experiences so someone can relate and feel empowered through something we share.. A laugh or two ain't so bad either. They tell me I'm funny.. I don't see it..

Speaking of a laugh... There's this TORE UP girl who's been telling people I have a crush on her. Now, we went to highschool-hell together and she ain't pursuing higher education so there's only so much she can do to my good name and reputation while i'm 70 miles up sixty-fo.. But I told yall, #in2010, I wasn't going to let things slide....

So my homie texted me yesterday and said she had yapped it to her, and I told her something along the lines of, "Could you please top telling people I have a crush on you? I don't. AT ALL. Please act like you graduated from highschool and don't still attend. Thanks."

Yall, its just frustrating because... This ho is NOT cute... call me shallow if you want, but take a look at everyone male and female I've messed with. *snap* DYMES! Second, she's not smart or funny or any other desirable personality characteristic so who the hell I look like being even a little attracted to her? Two, I'm not eight so I don't have crushes on people, I'm attracted or not concerned.. Puh-lease. I should show yall a pic of this whore..

Moving on, I was watching Kingdom Come the other week and LL's character said, "Baby, its broke, let it be broke for awhile. Don't try to fix it"... It stuck with me... At the moment, I'm feeling some type of hurt about a few things.. but.. I feel that dwelling in the hurt is really humbling. I'm learning about who I really am. Honestly? I'm pretty damn strong, i've grown up. Couple of years, hell couple of months ago if I was feeling like I am now? I'd cry till I was dry. But now? It's easier to deal with. He hasn't taken away the pain per se, but He's made it easier to deal with. And its funny cause that's exactly what the sermon was about today.

He might not move the mountain, but He will give you watcha need to climb it. Climbing the rough side of the mountain isn't so bad, cause if I was climbing a smooth mountain, I'd have nothing to hold on to. MESSAGE! Where do I get this stuff FROM!?

Not that I called someone a whore AND preached to yall in the same entry. Killing two birds with one stone? #dontjudge.

Music is powerful, yall. This Beyonce track "Poison"?! Yo! There are songs that you hear dem words and have to look around and make sure said artist isn't following you around writing about ya LIFE, yo! Music helps me sit in my sadness without being suicidal... lol.

Alright, let me wrap this up and get some sleep since I ain't had nern in 24+. Gotta first give thanks for my friends. I had a great weekend (Thursday-Sunday!) with yall. Hooka, Booze, other thangs.. ;) Love yall sooooooo much.

Sending some special love to two of my friends who feel kinna hurt, "Vogue" and "Cheeks"... Um, not to brag, but I'm one of the best lovers in the world... and you're loved with some warm yummy shit if I got you! In the words of the great, "Don't worry.. bout a thang.. cause every little thing.. is gonna be alright.."

Song of the Day:. "This to Shall Pass" India. Arie

-C

An interesting latenight convo.

2010-01-16T22:31:00.000-05:00

Top of the evening to you all...

Lemme tell yall some interesting shit that happened to me this early morning. Well, I gotta back up. A couple of weeks ago an attractive older woman requests me on facebook. Now, my rule is as long as we have friends in common, and you're cute, I'll accept you. (Shallow? A little. Judge me if you want.) She's nice looking and our only friend in common is my pops. So, I figure this is one of his women. For the life of me, I can't understand why my pop's girlfriends try to get in good with me. They all tell me he talks about me alot and yadda yadda...

Anywho, my pops e-mails me and asks me whats up with me and ole girl that requested me. I say "I accepted her cause she said you were a great guy. Who is she?" In a nutshell, he said "She's an ex girlfriend, and an ex friend and she's meddling.."

Scandalous! So I really get interested now. Long story short, I see some pictures of her and my pops on her page and I saw her online last night 'round 2am. So my ignant ass fb chats her and says "So you mad at my dad?"

We proceed to have a very interesting conversation. I realized a couple of things. This woman diggs my dad... and I understand why, but at the same time. If he wasn't my pops, I'd tell her to do better. I wish I could've defended my dad to her, but dude is well.. like me.. in her words "He likes to keep the company of lots of women.." I laughed super loud when she said that. We had a nice talk. She made me realize how much my dad wants me to call him. I told her I'd do better. I was mad at my dad for awhile, but its in the past. I'm grown, and I need his money. Just keeping it real ;)

She also told me that I express myself like him, that I'm very cut and dry. Never realized I got it from him. I wish a few very important women that I love could meet my dad, they'd understand. But then again... Maybe their opinions aren't as important anymore...

There's no man in this world I love like my deddy.. and I won't be niiave and say that he's not part of the reason I date, love and fuck women. But in my wildest dreams? I'd be wife to a man just like him.... I'd have 3 boys and a girl with his smile and my eyes.. and I'd drive a mercedes SUV...

Yall like my "Up in the Air" fantasy? LOL..

Unfortunately, I don't believe in fairy tales, Santa, The Tooth Fairy or Nicki Minaj. I do believe I'll find happiness and good sex tho :)

My mother says every guy I date looks just like my pops... I'm not sure about the women I date. I think they have psycho in common? ha! Yea, I know about 5+ women I've been with read this blog.. and I'm talking about all of you.

Alright, I need to get dressed. Stepping out with no plan. Mischief.

Song of the Day:. "Be OK" Chrisette Michelle

-C

"Can't Be Worried About It"

2010-01-15T22:01:00.000-05:00

Hey yall. Last night at the last minute I decided to go out. I had a BLAST. This morning I was a bit hungover. The room was spinning and my stomach was NOT happy. But I had it taken care of by time for my 11am class. A nigga was liteweight dehydrated cause my hands were shaking. Aaahh yes.. Good times. I have pictures. I might share.

Anywho, I came to write because I was SUPER offended today. I had to go to a meeting that I REALLY didn't wanna go to. For one, I was tired and recovering... two, I'm tired of all these meetings niggas have where we talk about the SAME shit and nothing gets done. Call me crazy.. I like progress. I really want to be involved on campus, yall. But I'm fed up with these organizations i'm a part of that gets nothing done. I'm really contemplating not being a part of them in the future.

You ever meet someone who you wouldn't know was stupid until they opened their mouth? This guy... yall.. he just talks and is very opinionated but there's no KNOWLEDGE behind his opinions or views.. which is fine because he's young but that means he just needs to shut up... and when he says stuff, I don't feel the need to argue with him because he's not my intellecutal equal so there's really nothing he can say to me... In reference to the bible he said..

"It's just a book, and people are way too sensitive about it..."

Now, I've always believed that its wrong to talk sideways about someone's beliefs in mixed company.. and even worse to be disrespectful about something thats a big deal to someone. I believe that Mary was JUST the woman that God used to mother Christ in His human form. I also believe that Mohammed was a false prophet and Allah is no one to me. But everyone doesn't believe that. Catholics, Muslims and Protestants have to share this world so why not be respectful? It's not cool for Beyonce to get naked and sing Ave Maria.. and its not cool to call the bible a 'book' when there are people who live their lives based on its teachings.

I feel that lately people want me to be ok with disrespect and I'm not. I won't be. Today I didn't say anything to him and I'm liteweight disappointed in myself. But then again, I believe in the truth.. and its the truth no matter what he has to say about it or if I argue right?

The fact that I was tired and hungover didn't help either. But I can't blame it on that. What he said was not cool AT ALL.. and my friend begged me with her eyes not to say anything so I didn't. I told her it wasn't going to happen again though.

So, I got hungry and nauseous and I left the meeting early. Once I'm done? I'm done. Thats the new theme for the 2010.. "Can't be worried about it"... 2009's theme was "Can I live?!" and I'm learning to live. I'm becoming emotionally unavailable and I'm ok with it. My heart beats on the left, so I'mma think right.

Song of the Day:. "Adam Lives in Theory" -Lauryn Hill.

-C

#Praying4Haiti..

2010-01-13T23:37:00.000-05:00

My heart goes out to all my Haitian brothers and sisters. I'm just going to post some websites to show where you can donate money. Back to my regularly scheduled programming tomorrow...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/12/haiti-earthquake-relief-h_n_421014.html

That page has all the places you can help. The bible says don't just pray, help if you have the resources. In the past, we've treated the Haitians like lepers. Lets make it right yall.

-C

I get angry.

2010-01-11T18:16:00.000-05:00

Whats up, yall?!

I haven't wrote in a minute. A nigga has been liteweight angry because of those I live with among other things. Yall, when I tell yall I have anger problems, that thang is for real. People don't believe me cause on the regular I'm particulalry laid back and nice... But when I get angry? It gets ugly. Luckily on Saturday morning when I got good and angry I was physically alone. I won't go into details but trust, I'm looking to move.... not to a diff dorm.. just my own room. Lawdamercy. I'm so use to peace in my space. I'm not willing to sacrifice that.

Yall, I was so mad.. I did something I NEVER do.. I turned my phone off! A good 4 hours. I know my people was like where's this nigga at? And my girl? She was like "so I get kicked straight to voicemail now?".... Yea.. Shoutouts to "Hi-Def" stays mad at me... #Shout-outs to my two very good friends who made sure I was iight. They're angels, I tell ya. God will make the LAST person you expect to send you a text and make sure you good. If I was capable of emotions at this point in my life, my heart would be warm for yall. <3

But yea.. I'm good now. Had a high time at Church yesterday. I prayed super hard that God would have SOMETHING for me when I went that morning because of my Saturday.. and He did.. He ALWAYS does. Pastor preached about how the people at Antoioch called the believers Christians... how your enemies call you things sometimes that you shouldn't be mad about... and that it shouldn't be THAT hard for others to identify you as a Christian. Message!

Enjoyed the Celebration of Gospel last night. Fantasia can't read, but she's one of my favorite performers. Cute that she sang with her madre. Gospel is one of the few genres left where you have to actually be able to SING and/or play an instrument. Wish we'd have the same standards for our r&B ad especially hip-hop!

Alright, yall. I might write more later. Probably do a video to switch it up. Oh how I love my cam!

Song of the Day:. "Green Eyes" -Erykah Badu.. I went IN on that song last night.

-C

Relationships: What I've learned in the past year.

2010-01-08T22:20:00.000-05:00

Hello children, it is rare that I come to the ole dashboard with a purpose. Today I'mma talk about what I've learned in the past year regarding relationships. Now, I say that in my adult life I've never been in a serious relationship. Well, thats unfair to some people. Since last January, I've been in 2 semi-serious 'situations' and am in one right now. [All females.]

Now I do have the tendency to be in 'unofficial' serious relationships. Its the coward in me (and you) that makes me want to have all the benefits and not the actual G word. I haven't been someone's girlfriend since I was 15 and we all know that doesn't count. I don't think I'm good at relationships. But then again, I haven't had a chance to fuck up. LOL... I've dated alot, if you're reading and I've dated you, thanks for the life lesson ;) God loves you, I don't.

Things I've learned.... [in the context of romantic relationships]

-- The first few weeks is not a good indication of how you'll feel about each other. Newness excites us. That's fine. But it won't last. I'll show my true colors, you will to. Maybe resulting in us realizing that we aren't really for each other. Or us realizing that we are and trying to work it out. Either way... Lust and excitement can't be the top 10 reasons, it changes. You get tired. You get used to each other.

--We confuse potentially loving with actually loving. We say the L word to freely and too soon. I always do. I always know who I'm going to love and who I'm not. I've learned to say it when I mean it not when I see it happening eventually.

-- I've learned that if there's a problem, it needs to be brought up while calm. I don't argue. I shut down and ignore. I like to dicuss it, not yell, not scream. I say things I don't mean while riled up.

-- I've learned not to have serious conversations via text messages anymore. What are we 12? Lets talk face to face like grown ups.

-- You should talk wayy more than you fuck. Yall, I was fucking someone for 4 months and I realized I didn't even like her as a person. If I would've stopped (I did..) and realized some shit then I wouldn't have to keep punishing myself for letting her touch me... and it'd be WAYY easier for me to be touched today. It's not.

--I've learned that I'm my number one priority... and It's ALWAYS a problem. I can't see myself putting someone's well-being before my own. (My offspring, of course.. but they not here yet) and I think that women especially want to be a priority when it's frankly not anyone else's job. If I'm not comfortable with something going on, if I feel I'm being disrespected, I can't deal with it... I always feel like people are asking me to be ok with disrespect. My homeboy told me I was keeping bad company. He's probably right. I've learned to set standards for myself and to stick to them.

--I've learned not to sell anyone pipe dreams. I don't do well with monogamy. Especially if I don't think you're worth it. I like to date a lot of people. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. The boy knows I date others, I know he dates others. I don't believe in open-relationships. If I'm with you, I am. If I'm not, I'm not. No grey areas.

--Like Maya Angelou said, if someone shows you themselves? Believe them. We have the tendency to ignore the fact that people let us know EARLY who we are... and in realizing this, we can get out of a situation that we know is STILL not gonna be cool with us next week. Most let you know non-verbally who they are. I say it verbally. "I'm an asshole, I like sleeping, I'm a texter, I'mma flirt"... if any of that's a problem, I don't wanna waste your time.

--I've learned its very important to keep the 'spark' in your relationship. I know I get insecure about who I'm with not feeling me anymore.. or getting bored, ya know? I always make sure I let ya know you're a big deal.. and if you're not doing the same, you get cut from the team ;)

--To me, loving is as natural as breathing. I'm on a mission to find who I'm supposed to love. I've learned not to waste it on prototypes.

--I don't believe in fairytales. Nothing is forever. You're here now. You might not be next year, week or even tomorrow. I'll hurt if you leave (maybe). I'll move on too.

--I've learned not to mess with anyone else's girl. Cause I don't want anyone messing with mines. I haven't always followed that rule. It left me hurt. Cause they'll always go back to who they're originally with. If you think you're a fling? You probably are. I was (twice). 3's a crowd.

--In me being ok with being the third wheel, I've learned that there's some insecurity I have in myself. I'm working on it. In the mean time, everyone will be treated like a #jumpoff.

--I've learned that if I'm not happy with myself, it is impossible to be happy with anyone else. My home girl told me to be in tune with my star player. I've been unhappy and not in tune with this nigga for the past couple of months. Just now getting back into the swing of things.

--I've learned that just because you're older doesn't mean you're wiser or have any more ability to read and respect people. I've dated those my age, and much older. Maturity level isn't consistent with your number of years.

--I've learned that love isn't enough. I love cigarettes, I don't want lung cancer. Circumstances are just as, if not more important.

Alright, this is getting pretty long. Hope I provided someone with some insight. Again, I blog for me. I realize I write because I'm a bit uncomfortable with talking about it. At times, I don't see the point. I usually just don't trust people to take me seriously. I'm tired of hearing 'get over it'. Not always that easy.

This blog is subject to change.. nothing will be taken away, things will be added <3

Song of the Day:. "I used to love someone" Anthony Hamilton

-C

Vlog. Interracial.

2010-01-07T11:31:00.002-05:00

Regardless.. I'm fine.

2010-01-02T19:58:00.000-05:00

Evening folks. Writing to wind down from this game. I still bleed red. I'm disappointed.

Anywho, I learned a very valuable lesson recently. I just want to share. Its no secret that I love hard. Not often. LOL.. but hard. I invest a lot into my relationships... romantic or otherwise.. and I go through a mourning period of sorts when one ends. I never want to blame anyone ya know? Because if I'm the one feeling some type of way, and you're sleep peacefully at night? its my problem. Even if someone's in the wrong? I don't get too mad, because I've been in the wrong and hurt people in my life myself. I don't get mad. I get done. LOL...

I've learned that regardless of who's in my life? I'm fine.

I get REAL upset when anyone leaves. Even if I KNOW they need to get gone. But now? I've learned not to invest as much in people. They're flakey, I'm flakey. Everyone has a season. I tend to move to fast, get too excited when I meet someone I half-way like. Again, friendships and otherwise... Resulting in me hurting very bad when the expiration date is up on our relationship.

This entry is inspired because a young lady I've mentioned before basically told me she ain't wanna talk anymore... Now mind you, I don't even LIKE this bitch, liteweight but I was like 'damn'... But I proceeded to delete her off all social networks and outta my fone.. and I'm sitting here feeling all peaceful and shit... Its cause her ass is GONE! And also, I've told the last two people I was involved romantically with that I'd leave their life if I was causing more hurt and confusion if necessary. and trust that shit is hard to say and takes a LOT of maturity.

In the words of India. Arie.. "I prayed for God's will to be done.. the very next day you were gone.."

If you're in my life now? I love you, but if you're gone tomorrow? I won't die. and for the record, thats exactly how I want you to feel about me..

This new year is a good excuse to get new. Oh, and don't get it twisted. HE showed me that I don't need to mourn super long for anyone. Its all in HIS will.. and I delight in it. <3 God IS love. At the end of the day? His love rocks me to sleep. At the beginning of it, His love wakes me up.

Song of the Day:. "Good Mourning" India. Arie

-C

Allow me to reintroduce myself....

2010-01-01T13:57:00.000-05:00

Its the first day of they year.. While I was in the club last night, I figured my first entry of the year would be a re-introduction. Why? Not for you. For me.. just to see how I've changed.

My name is Carrie. Sometimes I don't like to be called by my government. I REALLY hate when people make reference to any Keri Hilson song. I love her. But she isn't me, and doesn't spell the shit right. I cuss. I'm trying to quit. Also tryna quit smoking.. but I ain't tryna quit too hard.. lol. I'm very claustrophobic. A bit judgmental and at times? Very racist... against the whites and no one else. I'm in college. I enjoy it. I also enjoy the romantic company of men and women. I haven't really had a real g/f or b/f in my adult life tho. Hopefully it happens soon.. well, maybe? I'm very opinionated. Only give it when its asked tho. I stereotype people. I'm usually right. I love writing. I love music. I'm not a good listener. The young lady I'm dating now complains super hard when she's talking to me on the fone and I bust out laughin at TV... baby KNOWS I'm not listening. LOL. I tweet and facebook super hard, if you have a problem.. stay the hell off my page ;)

Anywho, I'm very family oriented. Would love to be someone's wife, and someone's mother one day. I don't believe you've been truly loved until you make someone. I want to experience that. BUT by no means can I be domestic. I hate doing laundry, hate cleaning the bathroom. So, I'll need to make enough money to where I can pay someone to. Call me bourgeois. Its true. I don't express my feelings, honestly don't know how. I'm programmed to hide them. I pity and admire those who wear their feelings on their sleeve. I hate to see a lady cry in front of me. I'll do whatever it is to make her stop. When a man cries in front of me? Even worse.. motherly instinct kicks in. I just wanna put his head on my bosom.

It never works [romantically] with a woman unless I persue her. [just an observation of past experiences.. please no1 cuss me out] I just don't know how to act when a woman gets at me.. Its a big turn on tho. I'm a control freak. Women have a problem with that. Too bad. Oh, I enjoy the company of a lot of women at the same time. The lady I'm dating now doesn't play that so I'm working super-hard on not flirting. I'm such a flirt. She is too.

I like to sing and play the piano. I like to lay on my floor and write poetry. I love good conversation. I like to listen and watch someone talk and think. I'm a people watcher, a natural observer. I love clothes. I have a lot, I want more. I like shoes. I love scarves. I'll count how many I have one day. I have affectionate moments, if I kiss you on the forehead, I'm tryna trick your ass... watch out. I love my mother, anyone who talks side-ways to her...? can get cussed real quick without even thinking. I once threatened someone else's 4 year old. My poppa? Don't disrespect him. That's my job... Shout-outs to my Pops.. His dog died last night..

Long live Kiffa!

I love dancing, I don't club much... but when I do, I stay on the dance floor. I love dancing with strangers... I have an unhealthy infatuation with Nicki Minaj. She can rap and if she didn't have a weave, I bet I might actually be attracted. Oh yea, I don't like women with weave, fake nails, tits, or eye lashes. Be you. I like girls with big booties... guys with big arms and nice eye lashes... I'm very random, as indicated by the style of my re-introduction. Hope you enjoyed. Only wrapping it up cause my thumb hurts..

First song of the century:. "Shakin' it for Daddy" -Robin Thicke and Nicki Minaj

2009: A synopsis.

2009-12-30T20:47:00.000-05:00

Alright, this is probably the last entry of the year because tomorrow I'll be shaking my booty on some unsuspecting young man in the club tomorrow.. Lets get right to it.. Wait.. lemme put on my damn glasses....

In 2009,

I realized that love just isn't enough. In the words of Jazmine Sullivan "Just 'cause I love you, and you love me it doesn't mean that we'll ever be. "

Oh yea, I started this therapy session known as a blog.

I liteweight came to terms with my sexuality... which is against what I believe in because to me, sexuality is on a continuum. I love men. I love women. Confused? No. Greedy. Yes. LOL....

In doing so, I realized I live in a world that tells me that something as natural as breathing to me is wrong. At times laying next to, loving, kissing and holding a woman is my home. Will I do what the world wants me to do and be unhappy? Or be with who I love and still maybe be unhappy?

I fell in love with a very smart, beautiful, sexy woman who I can't say "No" to.

I realized that she's not that into me.

I learned many things about myself. Silence makes me very anxious. I love music and in 2010, I wanna start playing again. Probably taking my keyboard to school with me <33.. I also realized that if I'm not sexually attracted and liteweight infatuated with someone? I can't get with 'em... no matter how well they treat me.

In 2009, (just saying it again for emphasis)

I dated (and still am with) a white boy. I like him a lot. He's taking me to the Derby!

I realized what I can tolerate and what I can't. I'm learning to be more open with my feelings. Its hard. I still don't know how to say some stuff. But 2009 was the end of me being disrespected without consequences.

My locs turned a year old.. They're growing faster than ever. I freaking love 'em.

I had the worse hangover of my life. Resulting in me blowing chunks in Sonic's drive-thru... Resulting in me being very careful about my drinking habits. I've learned to get loose and not be hungover the next day. I don't enjoy those at all.

I neglected writing creatively .. and I'm paying the consequences. I can't get a poem out to save my life.

I lost 20 pounds.. I told yall I didn't wanna be a DD cup.. I wasn't playing.

I fell in love with Twitter...

Ok.. I'll end on a happy note.. this seems emo..

I can't believe I'm about to tell yall this...

In 2009, I had my first two 3somes. hehehehehehe...

Alright. I might video blog tomorrow on the way to the club with friends. I've always wanted to see myself drunk. I love yall... Keep reading in 2010, I promise, it'll be better!

Songs for the New Year:. "That was Then" Anthony Brown.. "Moving Forward" Hezzy Walker

-C

Padres and Ex's...

2009-12-28T19:48:00.000-05:00

Hey yall.. What do yall think about the video blog? Writing's my first.. no.. second love.. so I ain't gonna stop doing that. Just thought you'd connect better if you heard my voice.

Anywho.. I saw Law Abiding Citizen last night with Jamie Foxx and Gerard Butler ( from 300..) it was the best movie I've seen in a while. For one, Foxx is a TRUE double threat. Makes particularly good music (when he wants to..) and is a hell of an actor. I might fool around and buy it on DVD. I won't tell you about it, go see it!

While I was watching that movie, I got inspiration for a poem. I thought about how someone feels about themselves when their parents are together as husband as wife, versus when their parents are not. From first hand experience, it does something to how you look at yourself when the two people who made you don't exist together. My parents don't hate each other, but the LAST thing either of them wanna do is be together. They ain't said it out loud, but I know this. I just wonder how my life would be different, how I would be different if we were all in the same house hold.

It has really affected how I see things. My innocence was gone at an early age. I realized that everything wasn't going to be traditional and a perfect happy picture.. But I also realized that "traditional" didn't mean better. I met someone last night whose parents were still married, lived in a much bigger house than me.. and was STILL a fuck up. I come from a small single parent home.. and I'm doing ok, I think. I also learned that "traditional" isn't typical...

Anywho... remember I told yall about my psycho ex liteweight stalking me? Showed up at my grandmomma's house Christmas day. I HATE when I'm in a situation where I'm the only muhfucka that feels awkward and uncomfortable. She's so damn immature... and 6 years my senior. When I break up with you, or decide to stop talking to you.. I'm done... and thats it... plus, this bitch gotta girlfriend on the army base in japan she was stationed at... I WILL not be anyone's booty while they in America. I play women. I don't get played #kanyeshrug...

Ok ok.. I mean.. I USED to play women... The point is.. like my boy says.. "Don't play a playa.. don't bull-shit a bullshitter..."

-sigh-... I'll be so happy when I'm safe back on my college campus where she can't find me.

Lessons of the day.. Just because someone is older, doesn't mean they have anymore maturity than you do. This applies to multiple people in my life. 2, I'm not a big deal.

Song of the day:. "Emotional Rollercoaster" Vivian Green.. EXACTLY how I feel...

-C

Don't read.. Watch!

2009-12-27T13:15:00.000-05:00

Stalkers n Shit..

2009-12-24T20:36:00.000-05:00

Hey yall.. this is some craaazzy shit...

I go up the street to Sonic after my nap right? I get home and park my car, and I get a text from my mom that said "_____ is here"... Said person is this girl I used to mess with a year and a half ago.. Went to the army, I was aware she was back in the states.. but for her to show up at my house? I mean, it wasn't a big deal because she's a friend of the family. So it wasn't on no stalker shit to the rest of the fam in the house. Only my mother and I... The whole break up was kind ugly or something... Long story I don't wanna get into it.. But it just caught me off guard...

Anywho, I ain't come here to talk about that girl...

I'm sure I've told yall how forced the holidays make me feel... The real thing is.. I think about how Christmas used to be and how it is now.. My grandaddy passed away a couple of years ago... my great-grandmother before that. I miss them alot. We spent a lot of times during the holidays together since my "big nana" was from Mississippi.. Just hard now that I'm grown and they aren't here. I miss 'em everyday but the holidays are worse. Some of my best childhood memories are associated with them.. and I don't wanna talk about it to my fam, cause I don't wanna make everyone sad and stuff.

I'm cool tho.. no tears here....

Was talking to the twit fam about some 2009 memories... I might dedicate a whole entry to that before I get pissy... but lets see.. in the '09, I met a couple of people I know I won't be able to get rid of ;).... Finished half of my second-year of college which was a challenge for MANY reasons.... Got some grey hairs... Lost 20 pounds <-- very proud of that.. I wanna release at least 20 more in 2010... and I fell in love <3

Song of the Day:. "Good Mourning" India.Arie

-C

Don't Force It.

2009-12-22T22:47:00.000-05:00

Seasons Greetings and all that bull...

I'm watching Bad Girls club.. I've liteweight got into this shit.. I'm ashamed, but hey.. it's break. Natalie for real looks like Jay Leno... I'm so over reality TV tho... Ray J's show is hilarious. Danger's fucking psycho. Beautiful as hell... but not wrapped too tight AT ALL. I'd have a show like that 5 boys, 5 girls. I promise it'd take 2 episodes tops. Everyone would probably get eliminated first round. Especially the females.

Yall, I hate the holiday season.. Ok, hate's a strong word. I don't hate Christmas.. its just I hate the culture of it. Everyone's running around like headless chickens tryna get people gifts that they might not necessarily like. All this wiggity wack Christmas music is playing.. I feel so forced to be into something that I'm just not feeling. I'm not a kid anymore. All my kids are gone... I don't see the point.

Now I love New Years because of course, I can get shitty with my girls.. I plan on doing JUST that <3

Thanks to all the people who read and give me positive feedback and advice on my blog. I really appreciate it. A special shout-out to my girl "High Demand" when you gonna send me some poetry? We need to have a war of words!

Alrighty yall... Still debating on taking next semester off or not. My family's getting on my nerves so it looks like I'll be comin on back.... But idk.. there's other stuff I wanna do..

Song of the Day:. "Water" Lauryn Hill.. I LOVE this song. I might have an analysis of it on your desk in the morning ;)

-C

More Advice.

2009-12-21T20:59:00.000-05:00

Hey people. Yall gave muy bueno advice yesterday... Shout-outs to my friend from middle school, said she reads my blog everyday. I didn't even know! Who else is reading?!

Coming to America is on TV, this is my all time favorite movie. Its funny as hell but also a very good cultural movie. Yall know I be on my anthropology..

Anywho, since yall give good advice, I need some mo'.. dont get tired of me..

In a nutshell, there's this girl I was talking to and then we stopped talking. Period. Then... she comes back in to my life and I tell her that we can be FRIENDS with no pressure of romance. I'm simply just not interested in her in that way. Now, I knew a friendship wasn't going to work out.. cause she proved her low maturity level.. so of course she's been flirting and on this reminiscing shit... I feel disrespected that she'd still try to go there after I told her that I wanted no pressure.. Now, I'm not a mean kidd [haha...] so I don't say whats on my mind when she says shit.. but I def don't flirt back.... Its super frustrating...

So.. should I tell her that she needs to chill? Not talk to her all together? Or just do nothing? I don't want to hurt anyone but not at the expense of my respect. Lemme know something, yall.

Ok, I'm wayy to distracted, talking to madre, watching coming to america, reading proverbs 3...

Song of the Day:. "Officially missing you" Tamia

One last thing... I've truly learned what unconditional love is.. in spite of her actions, I love HER. The person... and I'm fine with that. I asked God to make me stop loving her, He said, No. LoL...

What is YOUR definition of Love?

-C

The Kidd needs advice..

2009-12-20T20:35:00.000-05:00

Hey yall... I need some advice. See, I'm not one to express my feelings, especially when someone hurt my feelings. I just... rather leave it alone... I'm non-confrontational. But I need to do better, cause I always wanna know when I hurt someone else.. thats the last thing I wanna do. Anywho...

I told yall about my whore-ass-stepdaddy getting married and not telling me or my little brother. Now, he has no obligation to me even though he did marry my mother and HAS been in my life since I was 2. My brother is his son and thats my issue. Why do men do that shit? I don't have children yet.. but I can't imagine making a life change and not telling them.. Hell, I liteweight cussed at the ex wife for not telling me something that was wayy less important than getting married... [love u! lol]

Anywho.. the issue is.. He keeps sending me these corny ass forwards so I'll respond and ask him about his marriage. The thing is, I'm not on it. He has LOTS of nerve TEXTING me some lame ass love forward when we have BIDNESS that we haven't attended to. He's the adult in the situation and needs to come to somebody and let them know whats really going on. The ink isn't dry on him and my mother's divorce papers, he has 8 kids besides me and is married and I can't get a fone call?

So what I'm asking is... Should I be the one to start the conversation? Or should he? I don't like to be disrespected and I def don't take to kindly to my little brother being disrespected. Should I put my pride aside and be like 'hey mofo, what the hell.." or should I just leave it alone and keep my blood pressure down? [Its at an all time low, yall!]

Yall know what to do.... Tweet or Text it since yall won't comment. UGH

Watching the Cleveland Show. I have a feeling the baby will be just like my son.

Song of the Day:. "Bettah" Jonathan Nelson
[click on the title to listen to it.. ]

-C

Contemplative.

2009-12-19T17:58:00.000-05:00

Hey yall, realized I hadn't blogged in awhile for me... Just gonna share my thoughts..

I might take this spring semester off. I haven't decided yet.. I just wanna perform to my full potential, a nigga didn't do horrible this semester, but there are some factors to why I didn't do as well as I could and I might need to take time off to cater to it. Feel me? I'm praying and asking God to do whatever it is in His will for me. I kinda wanna join the peace corps...

Did I mention I hate driving? I don't bring my car on campus, but of course I'm home for the holiday and my fam has me driving all over this town. I hate it. Especially this time of year, people don't know how to act right. Will the world end if you don't get ya gifts to people? Negative. The craze is unmotivated and simply done because.. well, everyone's doing it.

Isn't it white-santa's job anyway?!

I'm watching these woman cops on TLC. Mrs. Officer indeed! I love women who can run with the boys...

Alrighty, enjoying my break.. contemplating about what my next move will be.... i'm getting my degree, regardless. The pursuit of it just might need a break... Not sure, yall know my girlfriends and boyfriends on campus will be mad at me... ugh.

Song of the Day:. "Peace of Mind" Lauryn Hill

-C

You comin for MY sexuality?!

2009-12-16T11:40:00.000-05:00

Whats up yall? Finally finished with the semster. I hope my finals aren't as stretched out next semester. I was so done. So burnt out.. I'm sure you could tell.

So, I chilled with my brother "social-justice" and the girl yesterday. We watched World's Strictest Parents. I love that show. It was also very refreshing to talk to people who had brains.. Like I love chillin' with people... but the conversation is always some shit I'm not interested in, especially when its people my age.... but last night was cool, we talked about something very important to me. Sexuality...

Bro and I both agreed that we HATE when people come for our sexuality. See, we're both what you would consider 'bisexual'... and people stay coming for my sexuality! Meaning, I've heard "You have issues with your sexuality..." or "You're confused" And its always a bitter, unhappy closeted muhfucka. I think thats what makes me so upset.. That they coming for me because THEY have the issue with my sexuality.. because I'm comfortable in who I am... and they gay ass isn't. Its like... You a dude that stays on your knees and you 'straight' or you a chick that STAY knee deep in some pussy and you hetero?

The thing is, I never really retaliate when someone tells me I have an issue with my sexuality or some dumb shit like I need to choose. Maybe thats where all this passion is coming from. I just think the fact that you talking about something so personal to me makes it look like you're avoiding your own issues. I don't look at your sexuality unless you give it to me to analyze.. meaning, you tryna hit this... and even then I might not look if its just sex....

Honestly, I don't ever analyze nobody else's shit like that. I KNOW I have my own problems, and Carrie's always the priority. (Oh gosh, I keep using my government)... Not many things offend me, but if you wanna offend a nigga quick? Come for my sexuality. I hate that shit.

Anywho, going home today.... No reason to stay here I suppose... Don't really wanna hit home either... Its whatev. I guess..

I gotta pack and shit.. Ugh. and I'm so sleepy cause I def didn't sleep till 5am.

Song of the Day:. "Lets Rock" Chrisette Michelle. I LIVE for her facials! YES!

-C

CAN I LIVE?!

TI-RED!

2009-12-14T23:54:00.000-05:00

Hey yall, I'm all the way burnt out. I'm not even leaning to the left like I do when I'm tired, I'm leaning to the RIGHT!

One more final to go. It's Western Music.. I'm sure I've already expressed my disdain for music with no drums.... So I'll keep it moving.. Its not even midnight and I feel like shit. I usually get a second wind around 1am, but I doubt I'll be up long enough for that to happen.

I just stared at the blog screen for 10 minutes sighing... Thats how tired I am... This won't be a long one folks...

I enjoy hanging out with the male species. They don't take ANYTHING personal which works because I never mean anything as a personal attack. Women take EVERYTHING I say and do personal, which is fine. Was just refreshing when I hung out with the boys tonight.... I could just be me and not have my "woman-guard" up.

I haven't ate this whole day. I'm so nauseated. I don't want to eat... and I NEVER lose my appetite. Its just because I'm super stressed, super tired of this fluid on my fucking ear and kinda down about things. A nigga's ok.. just reflective I suppose. Good days and bad... At least I have days to reflect.

As I get older, I learn what love is. I learn how to love. Love is when you don't fucking know WHY you love this mofo, but you do. I'd go get the moon for her, on foot... and I don't even like her. Weird.. but I'm fine with that. Hope she takes advantage..

Alrighty yall, watching Monique.... Jennifer Lewis is on there. I LOVE HER!

Song of the Day:. "India'Song" India.Arie.. you ever get reaquantied with a song and fall in love with it all over again? I did on the way back from my final today. Good stuff.

-Carrie

(I know, I'm tired, I'm using my government!)

Seeking

2009-12-13T22:36:00.000-05:00

Whats up, yall?! I'm still on a high from today's services. This morning pastor preached about the "Seeker"... What I took away from the service was the famous scripture... Seek ye FIRST the Kingdom of Heaven and all its Righteousness and EVERYTHING else will be added. (Matthew 6:33). Its so true, yall. I've been seeking fufillment in a lot of empty stuff. I just needed to be reminded who has all of what I need in His hands. Message!

Then, went to the church's Christmas concert with Jonathan Nelson. It was epic! The choir's sound was GREAT. Some beautiful songs were sung.. they really spoke to me... One especially said "It already looks better!"

So, i'm watching the Jackson special. Capitalizing off your brother's death? Not Cute. The Jackson 5 without Michael? #EpicFail..

Anywho, just wanted to share some thoughts. Talking to my guru about my love life and hers. Well, mostly hers cause mine is non-existent.. Did go with a guy I like to the concert tonight. I mean, it was church so it wasn't a date. But he flatters me so well. I told him I already had a big ego and not to do that. LOL

I gotta again say thank you to everyone who reads and shows me love. I've been getting a lot lately. I don't think this blog's a big deal. I just love writing and it helps. Shout-outs to a very special reader "Nhamo".. Girl, if I wasn't on this no woman diet? I'd get you all the way pregnant! Pow! LOL

Song of the Day:. "Chasing After You" aka the Morning Song by Tye Tribbett

-C

Spanish and shit..

2009-12-11T18:12:00.000-05:00

Hey yall... Currently listening to "Darling Nikki" by Prince. I fucking love him. I like a man that screams a little.

I'm going ham! on this Spanish. I have this final tomorrow morning at 8am ALL the way accross campus. I hope I do well, I always do well on finals for some reason. I can speak spanish, writing and spelling? Not so much. I'mma pick it up as a minor tho. Its a marketable skill. Anything to make me more mulah baby...

Anywho, I apologize for the last entry, but I'm sure you feel me. I was angry and the rant helped me. Cause I was really about to go off. I'm trying to do better, yall. A nigga has anger issues so this is where I come to let 'em out. Writing provides a release.

I can't wait till the break. Just wanna spend time with my mommy and the rest of my family. I know I'mma miss my friends tho.... But they blow a nigga up so.. I'm sure I'll be tired of ERRYBODY by the time 2010 rolls around..

Aiight yall, thats all I had to say.. but click on the title of this entry and it'll take you to a beautiful poem. My friend hipped me to this poet. His words are beautiful. Captures how I feel sometimes. Read and enjoy! Oh.. Its called "I Can Write the Saddest Lines" by Pablo Nuerda.

Song of the Day:. "Kink Push" Lupe Fiasco

-C

Disrespect.

2009-12-11T02:59:00.000-05:00

Alright, its quickly nearing 3am why the FUCK am I up?? My roommate and company woke me up first coming in all loud. That shit is so fucking rude. When she's sleep and I come in? I'm as quiet as can be you know, cause I know how I feel when someone comes into my peaceful sleep and fucks it up! But the story gets better!! She starts FUCKING! And I don't mean we-tryna-sneak-and-fuck-cause-your-roomate's-in-here-fucking... I mean... LOUD fucking like yall husband and wife and this is yall's house for real! I mean nasty fucking sounds, and they knew I was awake!

Yall, i just don't see how people can do it. I've been fucking and someone walked in... or I've made out with someone else in the room.. but for me to start fucking knowing someone's across the room and may or may not be trying to go to sleep? Disrespectful. Not only to the person, but to my partner as well. Sex to me is a very intimate act and even when I had that one-night stand? (dont judge me.. lol) I respected her enough not to fuck her while my roommate was in the room..

AND then, the nigga just left? I mean, you gon fuck me and not sleep with me? (he lives right across the hall) I'm so not able. I don't know why women enjoy disrespect so much, hell.. maybe they don't recognize it?

Sometimes I think I should just lower my standards and be disrespected by a man or disrespect a woman for the sake of not being lonely? But it ain't worth it.... I try to be disrespectful ladies, I really do... but I just can't.. and men.... I love the dick but I can't take the disrespect that comes with it. Yall easier to manipulate tho, so... right now, yall winning the race...

Not that I'm involved right now..

A very interesting insightful perspective comes when you're non-romantic. This diet is interesting, my eyes are opening. Message!

Song of the Day:. "Emotional Rollercoaster" -Vivian Green

-C

Cultural Anthropology.

2009-12-09T14:24:00.000-05:00

Hey yall, this wind is no joke.... I almost had to hold on to a pole when I was waiting to cross the street today. LOL

Anywho, this semesters coming to an end, classes are over but I still got a lotta work to do. Well, not a lot.. just shit I don't wanna do. Got my music book open now... I don't like it cause makes it seem like white people invented music. Where the hell yal think yall got a drum from? France?.. No, Africa, nigga. You ain't foolin' me.

Went to a house party Monday night. I had wayy too much fun. I might just become a cultural anthropologist (not) because people are so fun to watch. Alcohol makes everyone nicer. Yes, I'm that guy that professes my love when I've had a few... I danced with menz I wouldn't look at twice if sober. But hey, it was a stress reliever. Even though I'm on a no-woman diet, there's a girl.. well woman that was there that i'd totally try to get at.... "Reached for a hand shake gotta hug..." and was too excited. I got the tea on her and its a go... IF I wanted to.. Don't think I am..... should I? NNNAAWWW...

(Hypothetical) Question... Why do women do/say stuff in order to get a reaction? Dunno if this happens to you, but it happens to me. Now, if you know me... you know that I'm pretty laid back and even if I have a reaction in my head, it might not necessairly manifest its self. I don't want you to know that I'm spending that if any energy on you. People already think they too important to me anyway. I could take you or leave you. Promise. It just irks me because I feel like I'm being disrespected on purpose for a reaction... and my reactions aren't subtle... Like, I will smack a bitch and not lose any sleep or cuss you out in front of your momma... and then I'm wrong, right?

Speaking of... for the rest of 2009, i'm letting all fuckery slide.. but when 2010 comes around? I'm coming for you. My pimp hand needs a work out.

Aw, I gotta tell yall aobut a funny drunk-conversation I had with my brother "social-justice"... Evidently, I have a fetish for small men, men who are bald, men who wear bowties, and I like funny looking women... Facts about me you should take advantage of....

Aiight, I'm finishin' this chapter then continuing my lazy-ness... I'm so over this semester.

Last Thots:. People are Fake. White people in general are painfully unaware. This girl sitting accross from me is fyyyyyyyy... she keeps looking over here... and I'mma..... oh wait.. no-woman diet. right.

Song of the Day:. "Zion" Lauryn Hill

-C

Priority? Option?

2009-12-06T22:12:00.000-05:00

Hey yall... now, there are people you just don't expect to hear wisdom from... But I got some via a damn facebook status... it says...

"Never make someone your priority while allowing yourself to be their option...."

I had to give it two snaps.. and I never snap for stuff, yall.. LOL

Anywho, heard a good Word at the church-house. Every time I go I'm reminded of who I am and why I'm here. I always get some type of healing and wisdom when I go. It just goes to show how vast His glory is. Every time I go I get something? And I know there's more? Touch your neighbor and say. "Wow!"

Listening to some slow jams yall, I hung with my cousin all day today. You don't chose ya family.. lol... but you do chose your friends.. And mi primo? Is one of my best friends. Shout-Outs to him for feeding me and letting me do laundry at his crib...

I'm truly thankful for the new friend I've made. We both have a mutual love for writing and the Spanish language. Last night I talked to her so freely about some things I haven't been able to get off my chest and vice versa. I really appreciate when someone just LISTENS ya know? She told me I was complicated... I told her I was simple. LOL. She's a real genuine person. Matta fact, wonder what she doin...

Anywho, I ain't got too much to talk about, just came to write some thoughts and clear my head before round 3 of studying that may or may not happen. Got an Anthropology, History, and Spanish exam to Go HAM! on tomorrow.... try me if you want, be prepared for an #EPICFAIL!

Alright yall, talkin to a cute boy...

Song of the Day:. "I Wanna Know" Joe.. "I wish that I could take a journey to your mind... and find emotions that you always try to hide..."

-C

#ThugLife

2009-12-05T19:13:00.000-05:00

I don't do it much, last night I lived the college life. LOL

Went to what the call The Black Women's Appreciation Dinner on the yard last night. The brothas did a GREAT job, I can't wait till its our turn. I danced with a real nice guy and of course my embarassing ass friends took pictures...

Now, of course last night I was dressed up, and everyone was so surprised. I'm like, dag? Do I be looking like a thug on campus for real.. and did yall expect me to come thuggin' last night to a dinner? Puh-lease, I do everything in life HARD. I thug HARD and I dress up HARD.

"Look at this pea coat, tell me she broke..."

Oh yea... yall I walked straight into a trap earlier. It was kinda funny. This girl text me and was like "what you doing tonight?" why'd my dumbass say "nothin.." then she was like "you should chill with me..." my ass try to backtrack and say "Uhh.. i gotta lotta studying to do.." which isn't totally untrue.. I just can't have custody of THAT anymore.

So, none of my teams won today.... UK, E. Carolina and in a minute, Alabama gonna win... Ugh. LOL

Song of the Day:. "I'll Trust You" James Fortune. <-- just discovered it today.. beautiful song.

-C

The Real Thing.

2009-12-04T12:35:00.000-05:00

So, I usually don't blog mid-day. But I got shit to do and this is the only free hour I have till prolly around 11pm tonight. Well naw, me and "Slim" havin movie night at the crib... So hopefully I won't be free at all. LOL

Yall, I miss the real thing.

We live in a world of myspace, facebook, twitter, text messaging, blogging... Which are all things I'm an avid user of.. (Accept myspace) but I feel like I'm missing someone's VOICE. I mean, I don't talk to some of my best friends face to face AT ALL. I'm a visual person... and non-verbal communication is something thats very important to me. I miss it when all I get is a text, an e-mail or a fbook message. I think they might just be handicapping us.. Its VERY hard for me to express my feelings when I'm face to face with someone. Rather easy if I'm sending an e-mail. But I feel like I'm punking out when I do that.. and vice versa. I wanna hear ya voice.

I was talking to my friend last night on the fone about this. Her and I be tweetin' each other HARD. Finally hearing her voice on the fone? Was very refreshing. She was feelin' where I was coming from. She said we're both just getting older. I ain't wanna hear that shit.. LOL. But its true. I'll always be a big texter and I'm havin' a love affair with twitter... but I'mma make an effort to talk atleast on the phone more and face to face with my friends and frenemies. I mean, people have NO conversation skills these days. I try to spark up a conversation and people lightweight have an anxiety attack on that ass... and I think I am pretty quiet when I'm just chillin' with my friends.. cause I just like watching and listening to people's conversations.. so maybe thats why... ?

Alright, I got a study session and what not to go to. But first... FOOD.

Song of the Day:. "Holy Ghost Power" Chicago Mass Choir.... That REAL gospel.

-C

Proper Perspective

2009-12-03T22:12:00.001-05:00

Whats up yall? I had a blast on my birthday. I'm so very blessed to have friends that made it a mission to make sure I was happy and having fun. They took me to a Mexican restraunt down the street then some sexi hombres sang feliz de cumpleanos to me! After that I drank mass amounts of bull frogs and did some other illegal activities. Good times with good people, my homie "social-justice" came through after work.. I really appreciated it. This was the best birthday I've had in yearsss and I'm not done celebratin'! Just gotta wait till finals is over and shit... I even got kissed by this girl that I been crushin' on... TWICE! Yea, I broke my no woman, no alcohol, no weed diet last night. It was my birthday, fuck yall. I'm back on it.

So, I'm really tryna stay on my grind for my finals and shit... I got like 4 places to be at once tomorrow. I'm kinda stressed, and I can tell cause my body is sore, my nerves are jumping again and my cough is coming back..... I be so glad when this semster is over. If my locs wasn't so cock-disel.. lol, they'd be pulled straight the fuck OUT!

My ex from a couple of semesters ago wished me a happy birthday. Her and I haven't talked in a year... and I like it that way.. She been textin' our mutual friend sayin' she thinks about me and stuff. I'm flattered but so not interested. She's drama and I ain't on it. I can tell I'm over her, cause I don't even dislike her.. I just have no feelings at all. Its weird.

I hate to feel that way about people but.... Idk it just happens... I can't control it, when I'm done, I'm done... and I don't want it to be that way.. but its like my body is like "Ok... expiration date is up on ya feelings for this person.. lets move on.." I guess thats fine.. Just gotta make room, I suppose...

Anywho, you ever feel a certain way and logic (and other people) tell you that you have no right to feel that way? My mother says there are no wrong emotions, but its still a battle.... and I know my feelings are important but I don't cater to them enough. I'm trying to do better, for example, I know that I have to tell people when they say stuff that makes me uncomfortable but I just feel like if its based on feelings, its not valid or important or something... I wanna tell people how I feel, I think... but I don't want to look weak.. and thats exactly how I think I look when I start talking about my feelings...

The last girl I dated (that jumped stupid last week) would get so frustrated with me. She was mad because I wouldn't just tell her my feelings, she had to ask. I tell people, I don't volunteer information about myself, and maybe thats not fair... but I cant wear my heart on my sleeve. I wanna appear strong, hell I AM strong. I wanna be the therapist like I been doin, but right now I feel like maybe I need to sit on somebody's brown couch.... how much yall charge? I got insurance! LOL

I'm fine tho. I'm happy. I recognize that its all just a learning experience... and I thank Yaweh for a Devine Proper Perspective.... I'm in a lil pain about stuff and I don't know exactly how to deal with it. This may sound weird but I'm embracing the pain.. it helps to be able to identify the feeling and the reason.. then you can look at it, ya know..?

I've learned that time heals everything. Literally 8 days ago I was sittin in a parking lot crying my eyes out listening to Anthony Hamilton ("The Point of it All), now that same song comes on? And I'm fine... maybe healing just takes a little longer the older you get. OMG, I'm 20!

Song of the Day:. "Harvest Song" Anthony Brown

-C

Go shawty.. Its my berfday!

2009-12-02T20:42:00.000-05:00

Go Shawty.. its my berfday!

I've been here for 20 years, 23039 Months, 100182 Weeks, and 701279 days!

Yall, all this birthday love has me feelin' tender. The little one sang Happy Birthday to me last night. Then she told me she loved me. When them little arms wrapped around my neck? I almost started crying... LOL. Yall know Carrie loves the kids..

I guess I'm supposed to reflect on my life and what not... One Thursday in 1989, I came out of my mommy... lol... I'm told I already had a full head of hair, and that I slept through the nite.. What baby does that?! I was a child that liked to read... Embarassing. I LOVED the Rugrats...

I might do a biography tomorrow. I'm tryna figure out where the psycho came in. LOL... This has been the best birthday I've had in years, yo! Ok, I apologize but I'm a little intoxicated and I'm waiting on my 'lunch' to get here. Its only 8:30 and I've ate tacos and pizza today. So I need to go slow cause I shall blow chunks and I don't want a repeat of last time.... My hangover was all over Sonic's Drive thru..

Ok.. so my friends are mad cause I'm ignoring them. Hey... I like writing more than I like them. So what. LOL

Song of the Day: "Birthday Anthem"

-C

20. From a proper perspective.

2009-11-30T23:47:00.000-05:00

Hey Hey...

Yall watch the Soul Train Awards last night? It was good, something about Toni kissing Trey made me uncomfortable. My momma said somebody need to report her. LOL... Chaka's tribute was TRUTH. I hope its on youtube. I been listenin to her and Charlie Wilson all day... Anywho, friends. I feel like I need some new music in my life. I'll kiss anyone who hips me to a new artist, or song or SOMETHING. All new music CAN'T be bull?! Hook me up!

This college life is fun. No doubt about it. But when I wanna come home to some peace and quiet and have a glass of wine? I can't.. cause these kids won't shut the FUCK up. They throw footballs in the hall, golf, ride bikes.. yall. I'm not exaggerating. I can't do it. I'm working my ass off this summer. If I can't get a place off campus, I'm getting my own room.. #BeleeeeDat!

I'm entering my last hours of teenagerdom. I can't say I'm sad to see the teenage years go. Worst years of my life... it was the end of my innocence... beginning of a whole lotta confusion and bullshit.. BUT it made me much older in my mind and my actions. I just read that... sounded like I hated my teenage years.. It was really just 13-14. I wouldn't change none of it. I've had fun, done stuff and been places that people twice my age haven't. I'm blessed. Can't wait to see what being twenty brings. I'll be a 20 year old black woman with no kids.... wow! LOL

I'm on a mission this week yall, I want my friend back. If you ain't listening, tune in now... Sometimes there are things in life that we have to do for ourselves that will hurt other people. Its just life. Life is unfair. What someone had to do hurt me, and what I had to do hurt some1 else. What goes around comes around. So we gonna sit around and cry about it? Yep. LOL. But eventually we gotta move on and look at things from a proper perspective. I love me some her, and this bull ain't worth losing one of my best friends over... (still gonna put you in a nursing home tho... ha!)

Yall, I got mad fluid on my ear, starting to believe its an infection, I feel like the whole half of my face is clogged up. Throwing my equilibrium wayy off. How do I get it off? Someone said peroxide... o_O Idk about that...

Ok, I have books to read, papers to write, women to undress... you know shit like that. Peace & Respect, yall. Thank you soooo much for reading. Its a big deal for me.

Song of the Day:. "Bless the Lord" (Son of Man)- Tye Tribbett <-- listen to this yall!!! I go all the way INN!

-C

Music

2009-11-29T20:08:00.000-05:00

Hey Hey..

I just got back to campus yall.. My damn toilet is stopped up, and my computer was on.. Meaning somebody done been in here that ain't supposed to be! Not cool with me. Writing to calm down cause I'm kinda pissed.

Listenin' to my hip-hop playlist. I've said it before... but Biggie's song "Juicy"? I identify with it soooo well... and I don't really even know why. lol... I mean, I haven't lived in the hood or nothin'... But I guess since I've been to college.. or somethin.. people kinda treat me different... "Girls used to diss me, now they write letters cause they miss me!"

Luda's on now. He nasty, but he's a good rapper and I be feelin' him to. I listen to that song "Move" when I'm angry or tryna get motivation. They song "Area Codes"? I used to listen to it all the time back in the day. I like to travel, and I did have 'friends' everywhere. And Whats Your Fantasy? Yes, nasty and a lil ignant... but his skills are sooo aparent in this song!

Now, I don't say much about Wanye because he's turned into a phenomena and he aint cute enough to be.. But he can rap his little ass off.... I think people like him just because its the popular thing to do... But when he said "I got summer hatin' on me cause I'm hotter than the sun, got spring hatin on me cause I ain't never sprung, winter hatin on me cause I'm colder than yall.. and I will never, I will never.. I will never fall.." MANN.... As my homie would say, I went IN!

So yea, as you can see, I love music. I can talk about it all day. People say bad stuff about hip-hop... and I agree that it does exploit women but I think we blaming the wrong people.... Men will hold themselves to whatever standard a woman sets. Pussy Control. Use it. Its not ok for Nelly to run a credit-card down your ass, not ok for you to put your ass on somebody's dick in front of my kids on TV... quit doing it.. Men will jump over a mountain for the love of a woman, we need to stop making it so damn easy.

But this shit been happenin' BEFORE hip-hop. I mean, men did used to hit women over the head and carry them to caves...

I digress...

So, I've just realized that I have a lot of studying to do. I took my books home, every one of them... Didn't touch not one. LOL... I'm feeling overwhelmed.. for whatever reason I can't learn in a lecture setting.... So I have to TEACH myself the stuff... THEN study.. but I procrastinate.. so I never get to the study phase.. I need to change my ways...

Ugh... feel like I won't get to enjoy my born-day.

Well(p) There are two very pretty women on my bed... Why am I blogging?

Song:. "Doo Wop (That Thing)" Lauryn Hill...

-C

Scrabble Slam...

2009-11-28T20:48:00.000-05:00

Hey yall...

I realize I been bad-mouthing monogamy for a minute. Monogamy is right. It just aint natural. I love it. My grandparents have been together for 56 years. They're my heros!

Currently spending time with my family. Brother and Mommy.. we was playing Scrabble Slam or something of the like... You can't play games with niggas, they like to make up words. LOL. Now we looking at pictures of ourselves throughout the years. I was a cute ass kid. I have a big ass head. Still do. Thats alright tho, I get good brain ;)

Hung out with my ex boyfriend today. Don't tell his girlfriend ;) Scandalous!

My whore-ass step-daddy got married today. Didn't even tell us. His brother told my grandaddy who told my grandmomma who told my aunt, who told my mom, who told me. Bitchassmuhfucka... This the second time a man in my life got married and didnt tell me. My biological father did this shit to. Told EVERYONE but his kids. I wouldn't marry a man who didn't tell his kids about me.. just sayin. Both the wives know about us, well.. me at least. Thats some ole bullshit.... They a couple of cowards. I dont want neither one of 'em within 10 feet of my mom, I give less than 2 fucks if they get married again... just be respectful.

Watching world's scritest parents... I'd clothesline my kids.

Wellp, gonna write about music when I get back to campus tomorrow.

Song of the Day:. "When It Hurts So Bad" L-Boogie!

-C

Diet..

2009-11-27T18:48:00.000-05:00

Things are better, I feel better.

The whore who jumped stupid texted me today not wanting to end on 'bad terms'... I didn't respond. If it takes all this effort for you to be in my life, thats an indication you don't need to be. She told me to delete her number, deleted me off her facebook and said she deleted my number. I'm acting accordingly.

Watching Spongebob, hilarious.

Yall, my momma done got me hooked on this TLC show, "Say Yes to the Dress". I can't see myself dropping a stack on my wedding dress. I was upset about my $70 prom dress, yall... and the brides to be, bring too many people with them. IF I get married, I'm going wedding dress shopping alone.

People crazy. Spendin' all this money on a wedding, then all this money on a divorce a couple of years later.... SOMEBODY gonna hear me when I say monogamy ain't natural. We wouldnt have a 50% divorce rate.. and 90% of the time cause somebody is cheating... SMDH. I just dont get why people commit and dont want to operate like they are?

Ok so here's the deal yall. I'm going on a diet.. from romance. LOL.. I wont be open to getting with anyone until 2011. Also, seriously considering giving up having relationships with females. It seems like the 'lifestyle' is too hard and frankly bitches ain't worth it. Really hit me the other day when my younger brother said that nature hates gays the other day. I dont want to seem like I'm giving up, and I'll ALWAYS fight for gay (and other) rights.. but as for me? I'm just not feeling it... Plus, I don't hate men, and I need someone around to lift shit and kill bugs... you know, shit like that. lol..

Laydees, I dont hate yall... I still love pheremones.. But I love ciggarettes too. I dont want lung cancer tho, you understand... ;)

I aint given up uhh ya know.. sex or nothin.. LOL... I mean, I wanna 'date' but any1 I 'date' will only be a part of my life on the weekends... And the thing is, I don't see that happening cause people wanna be around 7 days a week which is understandable... but it wont work for me... I'm tryna get a degree and change the world... Relationships, Love and things of the like? Only get in my way...

I realize I've been talking alot about myself lately.. but ya know, I'm just trying to work out what I want and need... Writing helps me. I'll have more topics soon... Who the hell wants to hear about me and my problems? -SNORE-

Shout outs to my friend who checked out my poetry yesterday. Good feed back. Dont be crying off my shit tho, nigga. Man-up! LOL

Song of the Day:. "I'm Cool" -Anthony Hamilton feat. David Banner

-C

She knows exactly where it hurts...

2009-11-27T10:42:00.000-05:00

Aye yall, sorry for all these emo blogs lately, a nigga just been feeling that way. Usually happens around the holidays if I'm all the way honest, I always feel forced to 'like' people during Thanksgiving and Christmas.. and I don't. The holidays are soooo superficial. I don't enjoy them at all.

Yall, my cuzzo and I drove by toys r us at midnight on the way home... the line was literally 'round a mile long. I wish I WOULD stand in line for some bad ass kids.... We're in a recession, and shit like this is exactly why...

Well(p), I ain't gonna keep you long... I have mad fluid on my ears... but I do have to say this...

There's a song by Lyfe Jennings called "Must Be Nice" and there's a line that says "Must be nice, havin' someone you don't have to show, they know exactly where it hurts..." Now, I always thought of romance when I heard this song, but it applies to a very important friendship of mine. I don't use governments so I have to use her nickname "Olga"... LOL.. She's so gonna shoot me when she reads this. Her and I have been close since we were 'round 11 years old... and its funny because we've lived apart longer than we lived together. I KNOW that her friendship is God-given. She's supposed to be in my life. I was feelin' down yesterday and sent her a text and asked her to pray for me, and for some reason.. She named off all my feelings and we had a really good talk.. and I dont even know if she knew the whole situation... but she knew exactly how I was feeling.. and it helped... I'm just tryna make sure I appreciate the good stuff even when things are kinda bad like they are now.

I'm thankful for the sad times, they make the happy times THE SHIT.

My birthday is in 5 days, folks. I don't plan on being alone or sober, plan accordingly ;)

Song of the Day:. "Must Be Nice"

-C

In love with an illusion...

2009-11-26T18:34:00.000-05:00

Aye yall.. Hope this Thanksgiving finds you feeling better than I am. It was a dark day for me.. But sometimes life is dark and sad.. and feelings don't take a break for the Holiday. Just wrote a poem... I'm not done. Would appreciate some feedback. If you read this poem and find yourself feeling guilty or bitter? Its about more than one person and the sun doesn't rise and set on your ass... Don't waste your time contacting me, my art isn't up for discussion, its up for appreciating and identifying with. Pow!

In love with an illusion...

The Woman I fell in love with
never really exsisted...
You can only fake so long...
And when my blinders
came off and your true
colors materialized..
My heart was still attached
to the illusion in you.
The illusion that loved me so good
I didn't want no mo' but craved it.
The illusion that could slow down
my heartbeat with just your hand
on my cheek....
The illusion that brought out the
man in me, made me wanna get
my sperm to ya egg ASAP.
An illusion that made me the
sweetest woman, wanting to throw
my leg over you and lay on your chest..
An illusion I see in my dreams
But not in my reality
How can I be in mourning
for something that never came to be...

-------

And.. thats it....

Song:. "Been Awhile" Staind

-C

On my team? Naw..

2009-11-26T09:55:00.000-05:00

Word to the wise...

If there are at least 2 people mad at you? You're doing something right.. God bless anyone who gets on my bad side... Yall, I had to drop a player from the team last night. My girls convinced me to go see New Moon last night. Now, I've attempted to get into the Twilight craze... but its a mediocre book with bad grammar and what kind of vampires don't bite white girls' neck? I ain't wanna see it... but remember how we talked about my weakness for girls and their smiles? yea.. that came into play last night.

Anywho, Even though I have no respect for her, I have respect for myself and I won't put ALL my business out there.. I gotta have something to myself, you understand. But this is EXACTLY why a nigga is NOT monogamous.. She was jumping stupid at me like she was my woman and I owed her anything. Fuck that. I never once told her that she had a chance to be my star player and she still treated me like she thought she did. Damn! I know I'm ranting.. but she's mad at me, playing victim, making me look like the bad guy when all I was doing was being myself.

CAN I LIVE?!

So yea.. back to New Moon.. that Taylor boy? LAWDAMERCY... he kinda funny looking.. But I've learned that I kinda like that. He's body is bannnging. He's def on my Christmas list and he needs to turn 18.. so I can have his little wolf babies. *Fanning myself*

Well yea.. It's Thanksgiving. What am I most thankful for this year? I'm thankful for the confidence to be me. Like Wade from Noah's Arc said who I am is someone 'a whole buncha ignorant muthafuckas gotta problem with'. Lots of things have happened to me that should make me want to change myself, but I like me... and thats God-given, yall. Message!

Song of the Day:. "Goodbye" Jagged Edge.

-C

I'm thankful for..

2009-11-25T20:11:00.000-05:00

Her.

Love her, don't even like her. Hurts that she won't talk to me, but its necessary. I'm trying my damnedest to understand. Don't wanna be mad... but after a gallon of tears? Its Hard. I ain't mad. I'm not bitter. Its my problem. Ugh.... I miss her smile... I dream about her and swear I can smell her till I wake up. Doesn't make me sad... I don't think.. just frustrating... Other morning I woke up and felt like Will Smith in iRobot.. know how he woke up from dreaming about the robots and hit the gun with his head and said 'get outta there'... I did that same thing. (Not with my gun tho.. LOL). Wanna send her a text that simply says "I love you and I miss you..." but in the words of Wayne? "I'm richer than all yall, I gotta bank fulla pride" Why do I feel so damn poor? Worst part about all this.. she doesn't feel the same way...

"Last Night I saw you in my dreams.... Now I can't wait to go to sleep..."

-C

Why I'm not monogamous....

2009-11-23T20:52:00.000-05:00

"Maybe I'm just like my father.. too bold.. Maybe I'm just like my mother.. she's never satisfied"

Clearly, this song came out when I was a child for real... but even then I could identify with it. Now, this is the type of song that can mean different shit for different people. For me it means that by some standards, I'm an asshole but it's really just normalcy for me. My friend tells me that I'm 'so extra' and I keep telling her I'm just being myself...

Anywho... I had an interesting conversation with my mother today. She said something along the lines of.. "Date everyone who asks you, but don't have sex..." Cause I was telling her about the guy I been dating, and then this guy I have a BIG crush on told my cousin he was in love with me last night (more on that later) and she basically told me to date him and the other guy too... I told her that I was also dating girls.. and surprisingly she ain't really have a problem with it... she wasn't surprised either..

I think my problem is 'society' (bitches) wants me to fall in love and be monogamous (with my time and energy) and I just can't do it. I want a couple of people to date, and if I'm completely honest, one or two to have sex with as well... for workout (orgasm) purposes only.. lol.

I don't like monogamy because I don't like to be questioned... don't ask me who's calling/texting my fone... when I want space, I don't want to have to justify that... I don't want to be known as "so-and-sos girlfriend" and I don't want you to be known as mine either.. I don't like to be associated with anyone... (ask my people I go to school with who I hang out with? They have no idea, I'm always on the yard alone.. )

I don't like monogamy, because I got played.. and I NEVER want to feel that way again. Thats the REAL reason that anyone doesn't like monogamy. Tell me otherwise and I'll show you a liar ;)

Safe Sex kids, don't give me a heart attack..

Now, the first guy I'm dating is great. He knows I date other people, I know he dates other people.. Hell, we've even all gone out together. Its so natural to me to have 2 or 10 girlfriends and boyfriends. Is that a crime? Ya know, its biological, primates are NOT naturally monogamous creatures. Apes be hittin 2 or 3 on the regular and it works out well for them socially. Read a book.

Laydees, yall know I love you.... and I try not to sell yall any pipe dreams... but why do yall still wanna fall in love with me? I have NEVER been able to casually date a woman. There's always a slew of double standards. Women get mad when I'm not jealous of whoever else they dealing with. I mean... if we're in a committed deal, its a different story.. but if you're not my girlfriend? You're not my girlfriend. I dunno how else to say it. Females I deal with stay jealous... AFTER I've told them that I don't have 'girlfriends' and there's a 90% chance I'm dating someone else. If you don't like that situation, why even get into it? i'm telling you up front because I want to give you a chance to say "Ok, that ain't me.." which is FINE. But don't waste my time..

I like romance, I like affection but I don't like commitment. There's a 90% chance that you ain't the one and I'm just trying to have a good time. I've only thought that one person was 'the one' and she won't even talk to me now... So this ain't unmotivated.

I went to see Precious last night. Monique's performance was GREAT. I shed 2 tears off that, yall. The movie lacked plot and did not leave you happy afterwards... but hey.. went to see it with good people, this is when ole dude told my older, male, psycho cousin that he was in love with me.. I think I had one of those "oh shit" moments in my head... My cousin just nodded and said "She IS love-able.." I was VERY surprised. LOL

Well(p), time fo me to do some more packing. Going home tomorrow to do some cooking, yall ain't ready for my skills! Pow!

Song of the Day:. "The Point of It All" Anthony Hamilton.

-The Kidd!

Tender!

2009-11-22T20:34:00.000-05:00

Whats up yall? A nigga been feelin' real tender lately. My boy asked me if I was pregnant... lol. Maybe its the holiday season or the new perspective, whatever it is I just wan be The Kidd again. Emotions ain't me!

Yesterday was good to be emotional tho, my choir does "Feed the Families" every year. Its a community service project where we basically give Thanksgiving dinner to needy fams around the city. I was glad to be a part of something that was bigger than me. I been real down lately about my own problems and they didn't seem like a big deal 'cause I mean, I never worry about food or clothes or anything like that. I can't imagine. There's a scripture that says "Where your treasure is, your heart will be also"... I always try to give my 'treasure' (my time and money) to something or someone else. Cause treasuring myself? Not cute. Message!

So, I can't seem to get 100% healthy from this flu. I'm still coughing, (not as much), throat stills sore, and a nig still has all type of congestion. The Nyquil helps, but it also puts me in a coma every time I pop it. So yea, I refuse to take any more medicine. I need some juices and berries to heal me... lol.

My mother challenged me not to change my fbook status for 24 hours. Its been 22. I haven't died yet. Kind of refreshing actually... She also challenged me not to get on fbook for a week. I'm going to do it, just not ready. I HAVE took all facebook capabilities off my fone tho. Mobile and all. I can only access the book from a PC. Its a big deal. Don't judge me.

Going to see Precious tonite with my cousin and friends. Can't wait. I been feelin' tender but hopefully detachment has kicked in with this alcohol I been drinkin and I won't shed tears. Ooooohhh popcorn... .lol.

Was watching the AMA's JJ did ALL her hits. LOL, I love me some Janet. She made me fall in love with performance. She's a HELL of an actress too...

Friend of mine made me a mix CD cause I was feelin' down.... ITS BUMPIN, 'caramel'!!!

Laydees, I have a question.. Why do yall (we) respond so well to disrespect? I mean, I'm nice to a woman and I become a geek, but when I disrespect her I'm sexy? I long for the days when being disrespectful comes natural to me...

Song of the Day:. "Kiss" Prince.

-C

Not 100%....

2009-11-17T22:12:00.000-05:00

Is she baaaaackkkkk?!?!

I dunno.. Don't go having an orgasm just yet.. I couldn't stay away too long. Truth is a nigga LOVES writing. I've been doing ALOT. I've learned that I'm a very impatient person. I want things to heal, grow and change over night and its just not going to happen. Its ok tho. It IS happening so I'm bless-ed. I'd be lying if I felt like myself all the way. I don't. But I'm breathing and blinking.

I got that influenza yall. The doc told me I had it, I went outside and started crying and called my mother. Clearly doesn't sound like me.. just trying to give you a hint of how OFF I've been lately. 3 bottles of cold medicine later? I still ain't 100% better and I'm still coughing a VERY deep cough. Flu's outta my system thank goodness... But anything triggers a cough and cold medicine has other affects that I ain't even know about.. Still trying to figure out how its working with my regular medicine and other factors.. more on that later.

Yall, up until very recently I enjoyed a lot of blogs with little emotion triggered. Last night I read my boy Adam's blog and tears came to my eyes. Maybe because it was so honest, maybe because he talked about me and related me to someone who was very important to him.. or I could relate to his relationship? Either way... Check him out.. Click on my title and that'll take you to his blog. He's a VERY intelligent and insightful guy and I think I gotta lightweight crush, admiration, infatuation thing going on with him. Has alot to do with the fact that he's kinda mean.. lol

Good news? I get lightweight PAID fo my words now... I'm down 20 lbs.. Try to stop me if you want.. Be prepared for an #EPIC FAIL!

Alrighty, working on my article... trying to wind down at the same time.. talking to mi madre.. clearly.. too much is going on...

In conclusion, church... I'm still putting one foot in front of the other. I'm not back 100% physically or emotionally... some things have to happen to get that together and its out of my hands... well, I refuse to spend anymore energy on it. LOL..

AAANNNDDD... I just might be... done.

Song of the Day:. "When It Hurts So Bad" Lauryn Hill

-C

Taking a Break.

2009-11-11T10:02:00.000-05:00

Alright folks, lets get serious for a minute.

Yall know how I feel about the truth even if it means showing my weakness. I recognized that I'm very blessed and I'm thankful but at this point in time? I'm not happy. Hell, i'm rather angry if I get real honest. My writing will reflect this and for that reason it has to go into my notebook (not the world wide web) for a while. I'm not trying to play the victim. Hell, I can't play one... cause I AM one.

My goal is to get my mind right and my heart empty by my birthday, I refuse to be sad on my 7300th day! (Do the math)

I'll be back in less than a month.. Hopefully a week's time.

They tell me hate is just confused love. My love is REAL confused.

-C

Brick Wall

2009-11-10T17:36:00.000-05:00

I'm turning into a bad person.

I feel so emotionally dettached from people, today... and I think the emotional dettachment is just an excuse not to be angry... No, MAD as hell. I don't blame anyone because the way people react towards me is totally my fault. Yall, I was at a workshop that I go to every year all weekend (more on that later, it was GREAT!) and I think I got a fever and a cough from pure exhaustion.

Now, I don't tell people when I'm sick, because I don't want to be bothered, hell I don't want to be bothered when well here lately so I try to stay low key... For whatever reason, a nigga's fone was going OFF like WHOA last night.. I mean, when I'm sick, I can only sleep for 2 hours straight at best... I'd have millions of texts and missed calls!

No1 loves good conversation more than I do... but these mofos that callin' me? Don't want SHIT. I think thats what makes me truely angry. Like, dude.. You callin' me cause you bored? Who do I look like? You better turn on Family Guy if you want to be entertained. I'd understand if I was actually nice to these people... but I literally have been staring at my phone ringing for the past month and not answering texts...

Do people enjoy talking to a brick wall?

I understand why good people become assholes. Its happening to me. I don't like it. The situation mentioned above? It ain't why... but I can't discuss whats really getting under my skin.

I think my feelings just might be hurt.

Idk how to deal with hurt feelings, my first instinct is to get angry... Idk, I wanna punch a bitch in the face... but.. I'm too pretty for jail... Ok ok, I'm going to write me a very angry letter and not send it, if that doesn't work... Uhh.. Whats plan B?

Song of the Day:. "Break Stuff" Limp Bizkit

-C

"African-American" Vs. "Black"

2009-11-10T08:50:00.000-05:00

Hey yall, the kidd has a topic today. Church, today I'll be discussing African-American Vs. Black.

Now, let me first say that 'race' is NOT biological. I COULD go into why it isn't, but who wants a science lesson at 8:30 in the morning? Well, you might not be reading it at this time, but I'm writing it and I ain't finna get into it. Anyway, Race is SOCIAL. Human's always want to make their group seem better for whatever reason by excluding another. Thats where race comes into play. (If you ask me? White people have been threatened by us Darkies since the beginning of time for whatever reason...)

Now, when a white person asks me if I would prefer to be called African-American or Black? If first thank them for being racially conscious cause the fact is, they really don't have to be. Depending on who it is, I'll say black cause I'm American and not African.. You can't go too into depth with white people when it comes to racial identity, cause I mean.. yea.. they ain't gonna get it...

But I've gotten into this discussion recently multiple times with some black people. It is true that when you look at me you can assume that my ancestors were from Africa. But BLACK people have been stripped of their cultural identity, and it ain't our fault. Call me what you want. But I'm NOT African. I'm American. My mother was born in America, her mother was and her mother was. How close am I supposed to feel to my "African roots" when we haven't been there for 'round 6 generations? Plus, what IS African-American anyway? Africa's the second largest continent in the world and you can be white, yellow, black, purple or green and be from Africa. Not to mention, the HUMAN race started in Africa, by the standards we use to determine "African-American" we could ALL say that we are "African-American" right?

My father is married to an African woman. They're from Liberia. It took me eating their food, dancing to their music, playing and working with them to realize that my ass wasn't African... Yea, we're all dark, our hair is nappy... but our cultures are VERY different. I will say that there are some consistencies between African's and Black-American's culture. We both like to eat! ha!

So, I'd say that I was black. I'm not insulted when called "African-American" tho. Hell, just don't call me colored! LOL

That being said, we as black people have WAYY more to worry about than what we'd rather be called. Like.. oh, I don't know.. Health Insurance?

Song of the Day:. "Whats Going On?" Marvin Gaye

-C

Colleen ♥

2009-11-08T22:51:00.000-05:00

Hey yall...

Much Love and Respect to my friend Colleen. I found out she passed away today. Its so hard to see my peers leaving this Earth. We were in 7th and 8th grade Spanish class together. I can't believe that she's gone, her voice and her laugh is still so real to me. I thank God for the good times we had as kids and I can't wait to see her again.

I'm heartbroken... Not good at sharing my issues with people, I know who I wanna call and talk to cause she'll just listen and make me feel better, but... idk.. think i'mma pop in a movie and will some sleep to come.

Real entry tomorrow. I got some topics on my heart to talk about.

Tell somebody you love 'em, they might not be here tomorrow!

Song of the Day:. "Live Like You Were Dying." -Tim McGraw

-C

You can find me in the club....

2009-11-06T13:22:00.000-05:00

Yall, I've said it before. At my tender age, I'm officially over the club scene. I love drinking and dancing.. but people don't act right. Granted, I did have a good time last night because of the people... But there was mass fuckery going on. For one, when I got to the door, this bitch frisked me and had wayy too much fun. She reached all the way up my leg like I was hiding something in my uterus and I definitely gave her the stank face.. and she looked at me silly when I didn't go in and waited for her to frisk my girls. Cause they half naked asses might've ended up pregnant with her havin' the friskin job!

THEN my yougass suitemate is drunk ass hell and showing her ASS literally and figurativley. Yall, I don't like taking care of drunk people (especially when I'm drunk) but I don't want to see nothing bad happen to a young niiave girl who don't know any better. I mean, she JUST started drinking and EVERYtime she's gotten drunk she ends up crying and hugging the toiletbowl.. For one, thats an indication that you too immature to handle the bottle. Its ok to know your limit and when to put your cup down, hell its necessary. Take it from someone who used to get pissy 3 times a week, I'd always know when to stop, give someone the keys and tell them that I'm VERY fucked up and not to let me dissappear... It takes maturity to drink, and if you don't have it.. in my opinion your young ass needs to eat a fruit roll-up and sit down somewhere.

*SMDH*

But all in all, I had a fairly good time dancing. I wish people wouldn't try to get me pregnant on the dance floor (HUSBAND) but its iight.

Well, gotta go to this wack ass meeting of egos. I'm so hungry, sleepy and hungover. I have a feeling that I'll either be giving blank looks or stank faces when I roll up in there. I hope "egoista" got fucked real good last night and she got her mouth under control... cause today I can't garuntee that I won't say something back. I did NOT get fucked real good last night...

Song of the Day: "Blame it on the Alcohol" -Jamie

-C

Libido? Brain?

2009-11-05T22:16:00.000-05:00

Ok, just some thoughts before I go to the club...

White people are so racially insensitive. Yall should see this conversation I'm having on my facebook with one of my white friends.. All started from a status about how I felt that black people should be so quick to criticize the president because he was so important to us as a people... yall, I won't go into it.. but the kat got blinders on for real... Blinders called white privilege.

Must be nice.

Its one of those rare occasions that I'm going to the club. I need it. I need to let loose and get a lil tipsy. This is the first time my roommate and I've partied together. It should be rather lethal cause we don't act right at all on the regular.. Imagine how we gonna get with some drinks and loud music. I'm pretty excited... cause I'm partyin' with my boys and I haven't in years it seems...

I hope I have a hell of a hangover ;) LOL

Why do women who are interested in me only try to stimulate my libido? I mean, is that all you're worth, sweetie? I need my mind to be stimulated first.. then my heart... THEN my libido. I mean, I can turn on a porno and get horny.. anyone with a third of a brain can get me excited. I need a woman with a mind and a heart. Call me crazy?

I want a boyfriend anyway. I'm working on it. I requested him on facebook. I can tell he likes me.. he just seems nervous when we talk or somethin? What can I do to get him to come out of his shell? he's such a cutie.. a chocolate dred-head? whoooooo... LOL

iiight yall... Just some food before I go out.. Talkin to a young lady I kinda dig... lemme spit game! Oh yea, she told me I didnt' have to!

Song of the Day:. "Water" Lauryn Hill

-C

Control

2009-11-04T23:34:00.000-05:00

Control? Yes Please..

Hey yall. Figured I'd come at yall with a good topic today since I haven't in a minute. I know what I've promised you and I promise they're coming. Gotta marinate on them as I say.

Church, today I will be discussing my Control issues...

Now, my control issues have been a long time coming. My father's the biggest control freak I know. That is the ultimate reason why we don't get along. He passed it on to me and The Kidd will NOT be controlled. Now, he didn't raise me at all so maybe it is genetic.. But I don't have a psychology degree so.. I can't speak on it too much. I was raised around women that I love very much.. my mom, aunts, grandmothers, cousins... At some point, I became protective over all of them and I think my protective nature over women I love is directly related to why I'm such a control freak..

Now, I don't know WHY I became so protective over them, because in my generation. I'm on the younger half...

Also, I'm rather spoiled and especially in my (healthy) romantic relationships I'm drawn to women who'll take care of me. Much like a woman would take care of her husband or her son.. Yall, I really don't know how to take care of myself, I never had to learn, hell I don't want to. LOL... I gotta girl that texts me every morning and tells me to take my medicine, another that wakes me up from my naps, a friend of mine vacuums up my side of the room... Yall... even writing it I feel like a spoiled brat.. But yall know how I feel about the truth.

(At the same time, I don't recieve anything I'm not willing to give... not important right now tho)

Since my romantic life no longer exists... Lets speak in general.

Examples of me being a control freak? I don't like waitresses and waiters picking up my cup to refill it before they ASK me if I want a refill. A nigga can't just want ice? I don't like for my ciggarette or black to be lit up by someone else while in my mouth.. My homie pointed those two out to me.. Lets see what else... I wanna push my own floor button in the elevator... I don't like working in groups cause I wanna do all the work myself.. I have issues with the way people edit the shit that I write. LOL.. While I don't like driving, I don't like riding much either cause it makes me nervous when I'm not in control...

I'm a certified control freak if I ever seen one, and I don't get along with other control freaks... This girl got straight kicked out of my room for thinking she ran ANYTHING up in there. I wish I could tolerate it better, and I actually am making an effort to give up some control because I know that it will result in me being less stressed and what not..

I just wish I could explore the root of my fear of losing control so I can ultimately over come it.... Its interesting because until someone I loved told me that I had control issues, I really didn't even see it... But a nigga does like control and now I'll let anyone who's dealing with me in any capacity know I have control issues and its best if they don't eneable me.. LOL

Back to my romantic life for a minute...
When it comes to men? I feel more comfortable giving them control just because of the 'man-woman' roles.. but it still feels funny.... Now with women? I'm looking for someone who will let me be me (a control freak) but also someone I can submit to. I don't want anyone that I can walk all over. Thats no fun.. I need a woman that can tell me to straight up 'shut the fuck up' because if not? It wont be no fun for her.. and I don't wanna be resented.

My boy told me he got strong lesbian vibes from me and I think my dominant, protective nature translates into masculine thus giving people the misconception that I'm a lesbian and that dick isn't my top 10 favorite things... It is TRUST. LOL..

[[I like men because I can have sex with them and they not fall in love, (sorry ladies... yall can't do it) sometimes I just want to be sexed real good, and roll over and go to sleep. It ain't about being taken advantage of, to me its about being sexually liberated. Hard for us to see sex as JUST physical which is why I don't (can't) do it too often... Sometimes a nigga just needs a good workout and release and I don feel like giving myself the five finger discount very often, its crucial if I do that.. ]]

Anywho, I have a good lesbian friend who REFUSES to believe that I have dated, been in loved with and fucked men. Call me crazy but what lesbian can't understand someone's sexuality when hers goes totally against the norm?

I digress.

Each day, I realize there are more people reading my daily words than I think. I just want to send some love to whoever's reading and let you know that my blog is like my therapy and I really appreciate if you read and enjoy. Don't hesitate to let me know... Special shout out to my #twittercrush... ;) Where my T-shirt at?

Yall need to check out Trey Songz's new video. I had 3 orgasms.

Song of the Day:. "Invented Sex" Trey Songz and "Pussy Control" Prince
2 fer 1!

-C

A portion of a poem in the works.

2009-11-03T12:00:00.000-05:00

Hey yall, I'mma share a portion of a poem I'm working on, I'm not done with it.. Just gonna share half..

In a (my) perfect world...

In my perfect world,
there'd be no parallel
between your feelings
and mine.
I'd operate for me
only
and on my own time.
Your smile would give me
no spark
Your touch would have
no take.
I'd dwell peacefully in my
own desires
Not yours or anyone wlses
I'd have devine peace in
being so selfish...

Alright, thats all you get! Lemme know whatcha think! I haven't been writing poetry like I used to.. sometimes it does come to me tho..

-C

On the dawn of 20...

2009-11-02T23:22:00.000-05:00

Whats up yall? Waiting on my clothes to dry, thought i'd share some thoughts. I know I owe yall a couple of blogs, but due to my present state of mind and feeling, they would come out wayy too bitter. I don't want yall to see that side of me. I need to have the proper perspective before I speak on things. You understand ;)

I'm a month away from my 20th birthday. I'm rather excited.. Not exactly sure what I wanna do. I have a lot of December babies to celebrate with. We might pull something together and invite 17 butt naked b-tches over... you know how I do. LOL.

Oh, and sorry if you have a problem with my use of the B word... As my friend says.. "I only call bitches, bitches" ;)

But for real, there was a time in my life where I didn't think I'd see 20, or my 3rd semester in college. I'm so blessed and very thankful that He has let me get this far. Everything's not perfect, there are certain things in my life not going my way.. but guess what. I have a LIFE to be ungrateful about!

So, I been watching TV since I got back from some events on the yard. Yall see this Kate stuff? When did it become ok for us to share the intimate details of our personal lives on national TV? I mean, how much money are your children worth?! I know TLC probably paying for a lot of stuff... but them kids gonna resent the HELL out of her for publicizing her divorce like that.. Hell, I resent(ed) my mother for getting a divorce PERIOD.

Oh yea, I implemented a new app of sorts on my blog.. on the bottom there's buttons you can push and leave your opinion.. I think the choices are harsh, funny, truth... So since yall won't comment.. Just push the button, please.

So we had an event today on campus.. a group came that was against the death penalty.... Now, I'm all for social justice.... and I KNOW that the death penalty only creates more victims... I support that theory... But... I'm all for that shit! LOL... I don't want to be for the Death Pentalty, but if you kill someone I love? You wont' have to worry about it.. I'll take care of you myself. You made your choice when you thought you could take someone else's life into your hand... I'd rather see 'em suffer for a decade or 5 then kill 'em.... Whooooo.. thats a dark side of The Kidd I don want yall to see.

But for real, I wouldn't be sad to see the death penalty abolished. There's other things I'd much rather see happen tho.

Call me an asshole? You're probably right. Its not unmotivated tho ;)

Alright yall, gotta go get my laundry and finish cleaning.. I'm hungry as well. Who gon get me somethin to eat?

Song of the Day:. "Every Girl" Yung Money "Sanaa Lathan... Megan Good... Angelina Jolie... D. Woods"

-C

Healing.

2009-11-01T19:45:00.000-05:00

Hey yall, I feel much better. I'm not good at these things called emotions. I'm actually a rather emotional individual but due to a series of events, I just keep 'em to myself.... well naw, I suppress them... that thing is unhealthy. Take my advice, let your emotions out somehow! I did and I can't explain the release... yea, letting 'em out might cause an argument or something.. but at least its on the table... When you let your emotions out? You can look at them... its good for detaching. When your emotions stay in? They strangle your insides... call me dramatic, but thats the sensation I get when I'm feelin' some type of way and can't or wont let it out.

*sigh*

I'm leaving all of October's pain in October.... This new month and new week is a good excuse for a new outlook. I'm worried about people not treating me right? But the creator of Love got my back... He's the one who lit up the world simply with his words and he lets me see the sun come up every morning. I can't be worried about people who need a electricity, a lightbulb, a lamp and a lightswitch to get some light... and then still might not get it...

And real talk, He's given me some greatttttt people in my life. I appreciate them muchly and I should spend more time dwelling on those who do it right than who do it wrong. Sorry, Cheeks. I see the effort, I appreciate it. Sorry it didn't work out... For the record, you do it right more often than wrong. You've been a VERY good friend. I'm an ass for saying what I did.. Blame it on the emotion of the moment. Gonna miss the Bobbiz..

Just wanted to blog again to let yall know that I ain't suicidal...lol. Blog topics coming up? "Why I understand assholes", "The joys and pain of bisexuality" and a sub topic will be my love-hate relationship with tobacco.

Shout outs to a VERY good friend of mine who worries about me wayy too much. Words cannot express how much I appreciate you. Thats why I say it so much. I really am forever in debt to you. I'm not worthy of your love and attention but I'm soooo thankful that I got you and you got me ;)

Song of the Day: "Trading My Sorrows" -Israel & New Breed.

-C

In Pain.

2009-11-01T10:54:00.000-05:00

Yall, I be honest... I'm feelin' kinda bummed. Well.. VERY bummed. I HOPE I can blame it on PMS later...

A hard lesson for me to learn is that people aren't going necessarily to treat me how I think they should. The thing is.. I can have the highest standards in the world and make an effort to treat people as such.. but it don't mean I'mma get it back. So why do I keep treating muhfuckas so nice? Hell if I know... Well, I do know its because of who I am and whose I am. I've been called to treat people with love and if I stop, I'm not being me or who HE wants me to be...

That don't mean it won't be painful tho.

Not to brag, but if you have my love? You a lucky mofo... When it comes to those who are mine, the word "No" is seldom in my vocabulary. I always try to help out, or just be there if ya need some help... But what I realized last night is those same people who I treat with so much love are the LAST people I call on when I need anything.... I mean, I wish I could call on 'em, but I know that I'mma just be disappointed cause a muhfucka always got 3 excuses for why they can't help me out.

I ain't bitter. I'm just telling the truth.

And I'm not blaming anybody.... People show me how fickle, immature, insecure, selfish, and full of SHIT they are and I still expect them to treat me a certain way. It's my fault. I have to start acting accordingly. If you an asshole, I'mma treat you just like what your name tag says.

*sigh* It sucks bad, Its a buzzkill If I ever seen one. I didn't even pick up the bottle last night, yall. I'm frustrated as hell, I feel so defeated and I'm experiencing the worse kind of pain. It ain't physical at all.

Its crucial that I make some changes to how I act towards the people around me. It was so much easier when everyone got the deuces and I just kept it movin. Everyone's acting with their feelings at top priority... So why ain't I? My eyes are red and burning from all these tears I shed all night, and I'm sure the muhfucka(s) that I was upset about were sleeping very well.

I'm leaving all of October's pain in October.... Officially Over It.

Gonna share a portion of a poem later. It expresses my feelings way better.

Song of the Day:. "Good Mourning" India. Arie "Good morning independence or is it lonliness?"

-C

Halloween <-- a lazy Saturday.

2009-10-31T19:34:00.000-04:00

Whats up yall? Happy Halloween and what not. Hope all the little and big kids are safe. As for me? I have a big ole bottle of 190 proof beside me that might be empty in the morning. I ain't goin' nowhere. The parties already here! LOL I don't feel like partying anyway so I'mma follow my desires and do what the hell I want to do. Sit here and chill. I be feeling like a downer sometimes when I'm not excited about stuff that everyone else is. Halloween was cool when I was 6? But at this age, holidays are just an excuse to get drunk and I never needed one ;)

Ya know, lately I've been everyone's love guru. Ya know what i've learned from that? People got some LOW ass standards. Hell, even if you just tryna have a physical relationship (which is often the case..) I think you still should have some requirements or somethin! These bitches that my friends have been trying to get hooked up with? The first one's a ho... The second one? Dumb as rocks... and I've turned down both of these females in the not so distant past... so I don't want to hook up my homies with 'em do I?

Had a good time with my white husband last night. He let me choose what he wore to the club.. I def had him lookin' flyyyyyyy. He's a good guy, real talk. Gonna turn me into a spoiled brat if I let him. I usually got work spoiled status in.. He already got it goin!

My mom just came and chilled with me for a minute on the way to Indy for her friends b-day party. I was glad to see her. I can really talk to her about stuff that I'm feeling. She's coming back through tomorrow on the way to twist my hair.

I tell yall that I'm trying to change my cell phone habits? Yall, I send/receive 'round 250+ texts a day! I really think its shrinking my sanity. I'm doing better, and my sanity's growing. It was cool when I was young and enjoyed meaningless conversation but now? I don't like people.. My cuzzo told me that was why I was getting grey hairs in teenagerdom.. All them people I deal with. I gotta shrink that... So if I don't respond to ya texts or answer my fone? Don't take it personal. Well, maybe you should cause yo ass stresses me out! LOL, but for real.. Its about me, not you.

My sanity is my responsibility. Not yours.

Yall, there's a buzzing in my ear that be driving me CRAZY. I think its sinus issues... I might have to pull out this netti pott. Get you one, see if your life don't change for the better. I'd endorse a netti pott by the KKK. Thats how crucial it is...

Alright yall, back to enjoying my lazy Saturday and ignoring my all texts and calls. Have a happy save Halloween!

Song of the Day: "Doin' Just Fine" Boys II men..

"Getting along very well.. without you in my life...." <--True Story.

-C

Over it.

2009-10-31T02:09:00.000-04:00

Yall, at the tender age of 19... and in my third semester of college. I might just be over the party/club-scene. Truth is I partied EVERY week last semester. Now tonight, I thought I was gonna be able to chill with my boo but that didn't work out like I wanted it to :( So, my friends convinced me to go to this dude's party right. I knew him so it wasn't just random shit. But I was only going cause they were gonna meet me and my dude "Social-Justice"... Well we got to the place, the niggas never came... I hope nothing bad happened to my people... but I can't be concerned right now. Maybe after the liquor has wore off...

Woulda been cool if his party was poppin'. It was alotta MEAT in there and they ran out of liquor.. DUN DUN DUN! When you run out of things to make everyone in here look better? I'm out! Made a phone call and got a ride back to my humble abode. I was just sitting there the whole time boppin my head to the music thinking "this ain't my scene"

[Side Thot: Regina King and Angela Basset can't ACT they pretty asses off!]

I'm so over it. Just the whole... scene? Maybe its cause I wasn't all the way drunk. I mean, this cute guy wanted to dance with me and I just wasn't into it... I was ready to go home when I got there.... I'mma make a song called "Blame it on the Sobriety".

Sucks when you go out and you know you shoulda kept yo black ass at the crib with your damn self. I think I'm in a pissy ass mood... I'm going to lay down...

Yall... Regina said "I'm in pain.. cause I love you and you don't feel a thing for me..." Girl... you better not make me cry in here.... Act baby!

Song of the Day: "By Myself" Ying Yang Twins

-C

Woof.

2009-10-29T13:06:00.000-04:00

Women.

Now, I often talk about the female phenomena like I'm not apart of it... But thats how I talk about mankind, and I'm apart of them. Please understand I know I'm a woman and alot of problems I have with women (and men) are the problems I see in myself.

Anywho, I don't understand why even after you TELL a woman you a dog, she still thinks that she can change you. I mean of course most dogs don't admit that they are dogs, but they do show that they're dogs... You can only keep that thing on a leash for so long. Seems like a woman always tryna get a fixer upper. Why not find someone as fabulous as you so yall can be the shit together? In reference to the taste one of my cousins has in men, my aunt says that she always picks from the top of the bottom of the barrell.. LOL

Now, don't get me wrong... I'm not a dog... Am I? LOL Its just that I do my best to never sell any pipe dreams. All 3 of my girlfriends know about each other, and my wife knows about my girlfriends... LOL I tell people that want to get involved with me where my head and my heart is at. Trust, it aint ideal for a realtionship at this point, and they still wan deal with me? It can't be because of ME. I ain't a big deal. I'm flaky, selfish, possessive, and after sex? I go right to sleep if I don't get up and get something to eat, first. Who wants a mofo like that?

The thing about a lot of people is that they have all these flaws and try to supress them for their loved one.. Fuck that! The flaws are part of who I am! I can't change the Kidd, I can change what I do to appease you (sometimes) but I can't change me. Part of me knowing if someone can be on my team or not is them calling me on my shit but not expecting me to be any different. But still loving me in spite of that. Don't ignore my flaws cause then I'll walk all over your ass for real.. But recognize that they exist and that you gonna be here regardless.

Now as far as YOUR flaws? Get that shit in check! LOL.. just playin!

I'm realizing that Love has to simply be an easy mutual existence. Lots of times we get with someone that we have feelings for but we can't Love because they won't deal with the things about us that aren't so good. You can't love if you're trying to hide the true essence of yourself. When I'm with someone that doesn't want me to cuss or something like that? Eh....

Remember when I had that virus? That was the first time that Cheeks saw me sick, I felt and looked A MESS. But she still looked at me like I was about something... Hell, she came and brought me medicine and orange juice. Yall, a nigga felt warm and fuzzy.. Cause I wanted my mommy... lol.

Alright, enough about this love shit.. LOL

Why don't white people have any concept of personal space?! I'm walking this morning and I was already feeling abnormal because I ain't have my iPod... So I just had the fucking wind in my ears... And you know how you feel someone's presence on your back? This dude was walking wayy to close.. and a lot of times I just stop and let whoever pass me up because I need my space. But this morning I had somewhere to be and I'm tired of changing my life for white people...lol. But then this mothafucka starts coughing and sneezing?! Yall, my nigga immune system does not know how to handle caucasoid germs. They shits on a whole new level.... Luckily he passed me up and went in the poli sci building....

Another thing about white people I don't get.... The other day I'm standing in line at a fine establishment on my campus to get some eatery.. and these white girls come in line and stand beside/in front of me like they don't even see me. I mean, I know I'm short... but damn, I'm not invisible!

And the third thing, Why they wear shorts in 40 degree weather.. Do they not feel that shit? I mean, I know I'm not genetically prepared for cold weather. They brought my people over from West Africa and the Carribean and then we were slaves in the Carolinas before we found out we were free.. (Do your research... ) So I know that I'm made for hott weather. LOL But white people don't even have a winter wardrobe, they just rock the flip flops all year round!

But I love white people... Have a white person on your team and see if your credit score don't go up ;)

Well, I have studying to do before my un-sober weekend.

Think I'mma blog again to night about Stimulants.. LOL

1st song of the Day: shit, I can't think of the name of it.. It's Mint Condition and Charlie Wilson....

-C

God & Love

2009-10-28T00:50:00.000-04:00

Yall.....

Today I'm feelin' much better than I was yesterday. I don't have classes on Tuesdays but it was still a little hectic. Nothing I can't deal with tho.

Just came from the gay people meeting on campus.. We watched a very insightful documentary of sorts on the bible, the church, and gay people. Really broke my heart to see a mother came to her senses after her lesbian daughter commited suicide. Its interesting to me how people pick out 'sins' to condem people with... Human nature is to exclude a group of people to make you and your group feel better. The religious world proves no different.

Made me think about issues I have with 'religious' people. Sometimes I'm ashamed to say I'm Christian because all of the negative connotation that comes with it.... I'm not the type to condem anyone to hell and I'm very tolerant of other people's beliefs.. lots of my Christian counterparts have a big problem with me because of that.... Hard fa me to go to church sometimes. All I wanna do is worship and learn about Him.. Not hate..

There's a big debate on what the bible says about homosexuality... I'll talk about my opinion on the matter later... I think that the REAL issue here is that people who claim to believe in God aren't acting like they know Him.. Meaning, they aren't acting like they have a say in the matter. God is sovreign. Its all His.. ALL of it. God has His elect people on this earth. and whether they're going to Heaven or is according to His standard, not ours. As His humble servants, our job is to show everyone His perfect love.... not condeming and telling people they going to hell... Yall got this thing all wrong...

(What I'm saying does NOT mean I think homosexuality is wrong at all....)

I don't talk about God much in my blog, because my relationship with Him is personal.. Thats people's problem too, they tryna broadcast a personal relationship for their own ego or whatever... and thats not how you get close to someone. For instance, I tell yall some stuff about Cheeks and I, but the love you see I have for her is a evidence of a personal realtionship... that love I have is ONLY for her and she's the only one who sees it. Likewise how it is with God, I ain't gonna type my prayers up and post them on the world wide web...

Yall won't see no prayers or love letters outta me ;)

My opinion on what the bible says about Homosexuality? Its all about the cultural and social context. We read the bible and take what it says and apply it to our personal lives. There's so many of God's people in so many different places.. We all take different things out of what it says.. We're focused on what the bible reads... But what does it say for you?

In Leviticus, God told men not to lay with men to a nation of people that was trying to grow. Two sperms don't make a baby. He destroyed Sodom and Ghommora because they were a very unpeaceful people. When the bible says something is an "abomination" directly translated from the Greek means its "not traditonal".

The bible also says if your hand is causing you a problem, cut it off. To me that doesn't mean literally get a knife out, it means get rid of whatever's causing you problems. Why do we chose when to take things literally?

The one theme that is consistent throughout the bible is LOVE. I think that is what we should be focused on. We're spending wayy too much time trying to exclude, hate and condem... lets welcome, love and encourage. The definition of Love is God. When I don't know how to properly show my love? I look at Him to see how He loves me. He sent His Son to die for My sins.. He sacrificed for me, loves me in spite of myself and sees me through His son. He loves me unconditionally and won't stop just because I don't show Him the proper love that He deserves.

As far as an earthly scale.. The love I experience today is so beautiful... it HAS to be from nowhere but Heaven. I can't fake this love I have, yall. I try, believe me. I do. Like I said before I try to look at Him and see how I'm supposed to love her. Sometime I mess up, but I hope she sees that I'm trying and I hope I'm getting somewhere close..? LOL

Well, I'm sleepy... watching the Kobe show.. Waiting on my clothes to get outta the dryer.. Got an Anthropology test tomorrow.. *bites nails*

Song of the Day: "Love" -Musiq

-C

Dilapidated.

2009-10-27T01:40:00.000-04:00

Yall, I wasn't gonna blog tonight. But I love writing and it provides a release. Yall, i've been feeling some type of way lately, reaaaalllll stressed. I am a broke college student so its to be expected. Sometimes it just gets to me. I need a break... just a couple of days to chill... I haven't had a day "off" in a minute. Even my weekends got bidness in 'em. I'm singing on Sundays (which I LOVE) and I'm studyin supa hard on Saturdays. Doing what you supposed to do is hard and at times seems over rated. LOL
I have 3 exams this week... this weekend I'mma get my chill on. Its my friends birthday and we plan on putting them into the air till we create a nice cloud... ;)

Have I done an entry on weed yet? I think I have.

When I get stressed like I do, I tend to push the ones who care the most away. In the words of Martin Lawrence, "a nigga apologizes". Especially to cheeks since I know she's reading. Yall know that I have romantic feelings for her, but she's my friend... real talk, one of my BEST friends. She let me talk out all my problems to her when I know her old ass wanted to go to sleep. I appreciate the hell out of that. She makes me so comfortable to just talk it out and it seems like she might just care... I ain't used to someone giving a damn.. so I don't know how to act all the time. I'm trying to do better because friends are few and far between. I can't affort to lose that friendship or others I take advantage of at times.

If I call you a friend? You are God's gift to me and I'm so greatful and humble that I got you ;)

I had an entry in mind, but I'mma keep it short cause I've burned one and had a glass of wine.. and I AIN'T had my medicine in two days. My body's like wtf nigga? and my emotions are just now calming down. So, tomorrow yall will get an entry entitled: "The Things Women Do"

I'll have a deep moment since I'm cutting the entry short..
You ever think about what you want people to say about you after you die? I want people to know that I was (am) the humble servant of a King whose reign is eternal and whose love is perfect. <3

Song of the Day:. "Sovreign God"

-C

My temper, females... shit like that.

2009-10-25T21:40:00.001-04:00

Yall, thanks to modern medicine, I've been able to regulate my temper.. but sometimes that muthafucka just comes out. When I say I have a bad temper? I mean that thing. Many don't believe me because I'm so laid back and cool most of the time.. When motivated? I get so angry.. usually I just shut-down cause I'm ashamed and I don't want anyone to see an "outburst" some of my very best friends for a decade plus haven't seen it.. I like to keep it that way.

I wasn't finna have a outburst or nothin' today, I just got particularly mad... and it was really nothin' new. Just made me realize that some stuff isn't worth it and if my cool ass is getting my feathers ruffled? I gotta remove myself. I was actually gonna blog a couple of hours ago, but i was too angry to do that. I'm cool now, did some homework and listened to some good music.. that always calms me.

*woosah*

Yall ever meet a female or male that you dig.. then you see they friend and you like... damn! why didn't I meet you first?! ("Switch" by Jazmine Sullivan). This girl digs me yall, and I think she's a sweet girl but I'm just not as into it as she is.. dont help that her friend is banging and be giving me the eye. Am I an asshole? Yes. But at this point in time I'm just being honest. Truth be told I don't want either one of 'em. At this point all I want is someone to kick it with because things are hectic and I need my space...

I just want someone to have a drink with, watch a movie.. maybe go out to the club.. women dont get that concept at all. If you nice to 'em they wanna fall in love. I HATE somone gone off me when they don't even know me.. 9 times outta 10, you gonna find out exactly who I am and wanna run the other way. Trust. Ask 5 of my ex girlfriends ;)

Now men? They get it.. and thats why me and my white husband are getting along so well. He gives me my space when needed, calls me beautiful and cooks me dinner.. but he lets my NUTS breath. We're both college students so we need that time during the week to study and things of the like.... During the weekend, we can help each other wind down after and before a hectic week on the yard. Is that too much to ask?

My text inbox stays full with "I miss you"s, "Just wanna let you know I'm thinking about you.." Yall I can't do unmotivated emotion. People say that shit because its what they think they're supposed to say. I just recently STARTED missing people and even then I only express that 30% of the time... and you're thinking about me? Thanks? But don't you gotta job or class to go to? Think about your GRIND. Make me some money... damn! LOL

And I might be lightweight hypocrite-ing because I text the 'wife' and tell her I miss her... But... I really do miss her big-head ass and I gotta tell her I miss her to get a kiss! Just playin.. boo.. hehe... Totally diff when you're in L-O-V-E. Don't let her know that tho... she might start taking advantage of that shit... (too late!)

Shout outs to my first real girlfriend. She taught me the ins and outs of relationships (part 1 anyway) and a weird relationship has manifested out of that. Told her I was married today.. lol.. (I'm not).. she didn't take to kindly to it I don't think... We argue and dont get along. But I love her very much and I reckon she loves me too. People, yall need to become friends with ya first "wife" or "husband"... I'm friends with most of my exes.. they know you the best and give you the right advice... That a good enough shout out "mami"?!

You ever have that friend that ALWAYS got a weave or some tracks? Yall, i've known this girl for tha past four years and have NEVER seen her real hair... She walked in my room today with nothing sewn or glued in... and her hair is tooooooeeeeeee up! LOL Ladies, why still get perms if you not gonna use your real hair? I know plenty of women with as much natural hair as me up under the drag... I understand that, weave and things of the like is an artform of sorts.. but anywho.. I'mma keep shaking my dreads (for the ladies) and yall figure that out..

Iight yall, I gotta get my black ass in the bed. Lack of sleep is taking its tole. I HAVE to get my sleep schedule regulated this week. I have a feeling its gonna mean turning my fone... *gasp* OFF!

Song of the Day:. "Papers" Usher "I know its you I love.. but I also know its you I don't like" TELL 'EM USHER!! I love yo ass but I don't like you AT ALL! I feel that way about many...

Respect.

-C

Stroke my big.... EGO. Part 2

2009-10-24T22:34:00.001-04:00

[click on the title for part 1]

Church, last time I talked about people (niggas) getting something accomplished and letting that one thing go to their head. Today, I'mma talk about a title and a name.

Until I got to college and started dealing with college niggas? I didn't realize how much people loved reading their own name in print. Or having a prefix or something of the like attached to their name. What is the big deal? Is that why people doing all this 'good stuff' for recognition? To me, if you're doing it to benefit yourself, you're doing it in vain.

It just gets old because there are those people who do it for the love and the cause but when we gotta mix with egos? Its so counterproductive. They're so busy trying to get their egos stroked we can't get anything done! I have a prime example and I'mma take the risk of using it because I'm a bit frustrated.

I write for an independent publication. The "founder" has a big ass ego which would be fine cause her ass isn't the editor anymore right? She always at meetings standing up and talking down to us. (Remember what I said about the way you talk to semi-grown black people....) I tune her ass out. Yall, she wanted to test us on some of the facts about the publication. When she said that to us? My friend and I made eye contact and I'm sure our facial expressions mirrored each other.. "Is this bitch on helium?!"

I've said it before, you're not paying me and this isn't a credit-hour. Stand up straight and quit bending over to kiss your own ass. You gonna fuck ya back up. The people who run this publication have a LOT of nerve because with every issue the writers are putting their stuff out there with no copyright so our shit isn't protected.. Which is cool because we're young in the game, but we deserve wayy more respect from them mofos since we're taking a risk... Especially when I know who I could be writing for and how much 'merny' I could be getting per article...

In the first 3 pages of the publication? This bitch's... Ok, I'm sorry... this chick's name is in here 5 times! Then she wonder why everyone else isn't as passionate? This ain't O magazine! Ya know why Oprah can be on every cover of her magazine.. Naw, you know why Oprah HAS a magazine period?! Cause she got an empire! You a broke college student like the rest of us.. Sit down somewhere and get humble.

Credit should go where its due. I'm a firm believer of that, but she's taking more credit than she deserves and she's expecting wayy more respect as well. Respect isn't automatic from me, earn it. It cost $7. Thank you. LOL

I think some people do deserve a title, but I mean like.. President Obama.. You can't call that nigga Barack.. He's the leader of the free world... And my aunt got her phD a couple of years ago? I'm her neice and sometimes I call her 'doc' just because I saw all the work she went thru. I had to help edit her dissertation. Its no joke, yall. But there's a time for all of that. As college students we cant expect that respect right off the bat. Get humble and do some work!

I have an ego, but i'm a control freak... so I don't let that shit get too outta hand. Plus I know I'm the shit in my own right... and I don't confirm that myself. Others do... ;)

Speaking of, how do you tell someone you "talking" to that it ain't gonna happen cause you still in love with someone else? Am I gonna have to pull out some Jazmine Sullivan? I mean, I have told her but she still getting clingy and I need space, ya know? Not just cause someone else has my heart.. but just cause I need space... Space is good. Right?

I'm having an estrogen overload. I need some men in my life. All of my male friends are lightweight (if not heavy) fags and I need some testosterone to put things in perspective. I have my bro accross the hall but he's young and I can't talk to him about serious shit. Good thing I'm spending time with my cuzzo tomorrow. He's always good testosterone.

Well, i'm gone to steal some clorox wipes from my friend "Slim". My ditzy ass roomate thought it'd be a good idea to wash our mirrors with just water and now our shits madd foggy...

Song of the Day:. "I Gotta Problem" Trina

-C

Technology

2009-10-23T00:12:00.000-04:00

Hey yall.

My definition of technology is an item or method that makes life a little more easier for a particular society. But... is there a point where we can become slaves to it?

There was a time when you only talked on the fone when you were home... and your ass had to sit there because the fone was attached to the wall. There were no text messages, e-mails, or tweets. People also wrote letters... I miss those.

What was so different about that time is that we communicated wayy less. Our time to talk to each other was very limited. It was reduced to when we were sitting by a phone. We couldn't pick that muthafucka up and carry it with us... We had to sit down and write a letter then wait 2 days for our friend to get it...

Now?

We can get in touch with each other 24/7 via tweet, text message, facebook, e-mail... everything! And we can communicate in seconds with anyone in the world.. I daily text with my friends in Arizona, New York, Louisiana, Illinois and I even have a new friend that lives in the Virgin Islands!

Technology is a blessing, but it CAN hinder us. Church, as a society we've let the convenience of all of these ways to get to each other hinder our communication skills. I also think that too much communication is unhealthy for any type of relationship, friendship OR romantic. Some of us don't have "Me time" anymore because our phones are constantly buzzing and ringing or we're always in front of our laptop.

Yall know I don't talk about it unless I have the issue my damn self ;)

Also, we use all of these methods as a crutch. There are some things you gotta say to someone's face. There's been some crazzy shit said to me via text and I've used a text message to get out of some news as well. AND twitter and facebook enables stalkers. I mean, we volunteer all of our information.. I'll use myself as an example... On my facebook? My hometown, birthday, school I attend, siblings names, pictures of me and my fam from the past 3 or so years... I make it easy for a stalking-basic-bitch! We all do. But once sharing that information about ourselves becomes the standard its simply.. a normalcy? Am I the only one who thinks its a little much?

And the texts? My inbox's limit is 250 texts.. It fills to capacity everyday. 250 texts times 30 days is 7500 text messages in a month! How much time am I spending texting? Yall, there are people in my life that are goood friends and the only means we communicate is via text! My lady and I? Make plenty of love thru words with our inbox... Ok, I'm not complaing about that... lol... But I still value face to face conversation. I like facial expressions, the tone of someone's voice, eye contact.... Ya know? It adds so much more to a convo than just words and a smiley!

I LOVE the sweet texts my lover sends me.. But I'd much rather look in her eyes, smell her, and watch her mouth move any day. Let me move on before I get excited about her beautiful ass.... mmmmmmmmmmm! LOL

I'm very thankful for the time we save from technology but don't be a slave to anything ok? I'mma try to do better. I used to turn my fone off every night, now it NEVER goes off. I think I'mma go back to turning it off after baby goes to sleep. I'm also taking facebook mobile off my phone cause I don't want to be so available to people. I need to have some of time to my self.

She says I care about my sanity.

Song of the Day:. "Green Eyes" Erykah Badu. I'm starting off next entry with an analysis of this song.. I LOVE IT!

[click on the title for a video thats relevant to the entry]

-C

What color's the skyy today?

2009-10-21T22:20:00.000-04:00

Whats up yall....

Ya know, if the space you dwell in is chaotic (sp?)...then your brain will be cluttered as well. So I'm working on clearing my space. I'm a minimalist but there's a lotta SHIT in my room. Well, I just have it organized wrong.. Its really the clothes and the shoes... I cant deal with this ish... I've done a pretty good job so far of cleaning and putting thangs where they need to be. I was telling my friend the other day that I need to find me a domestic wife... Ya know, to cook and clean for me cause I eat horrible and cleaning's not my strong point either. But she gotta be a fake domestic cause anyone thats with me will be bringing a CHECK in the house.. LOL

I'm listening to the first movement of Mozart's 40th... Don't look at me side-ways. I can listen to classical. It ain't exactly for pleasure, my music professor's giving 50 extra points if we can sing it. I'm tryna get some points dig? Mozart was talented tho... a true virtuoso. His piano concertos? SICK!

Yall, I overslept today.. Those are bad for my mental.. I never get all the way up if I'm pushed outta my sleep and don't have time to lay there for a min after I open my eyes ya know? So after class I come and take an hour nap.. I had to sing today so I had to drink an energy drink... Now, I used to drink these faithfully but I had to quit cause that shit will make you twitch... LOL, my mom also told me to stop before I had a heartacttack at 25. So, the empty can is sitting here and I'm looking at at the lable.. It has Guarana AND Ginseing in it... No wonder I was jumping so much tonight.... I can't fuck with Guarana no more... and I forgot that I've been having anxiety issues for the past two days.. I had to take a walk down the street to make sure it was all outta my system..

Not gonna do a long one tonight kids.. just gonna leave you with a few more thots...

You don't start loving until you've loved a flaw. A perfection is easy to love so our ability to love isn't tested when its on something desirable. We are truely tested when we love something that might not be ideal. India.Arie was onto something when she said "Even the things I don't like about him are fine with me... cause its not hard for me to understand him cause he's so much like me..." To me she was saying his flaws are cool, cause I got 'em too! Its about loving WHO you with not the LABLE they can give you. I've learned that lables dont mean shiiiiii....

Also, don't base your happiness on a person... cause that's just basing your happiness on a host of imperfections. I'm slowly learning to find happiness whether you're here or not. The world gonna keep on turning... I told my friend to base her happiness on whether the sky was blue or not.. cause thats always true! Message!

Well, I gotta put the baby to sleep...

Song of the Day:. "Break You Off" The Roots <-- thats song is soooo sexy. Yall like D'Angelo or Musiq's version better? I think D fits better cause of his smoove voice.. but Musiq's falsetto does somethin for the track too...

Ubuntu, yall.

-C

WOMEN!

2009-10-21T02:23:00.000-04:00

WOMEN!

When I 'came out' to my dad, he shook his head and said.. "We always gonna be cool.... I dunno why you wanna mess with women.. they're a lot of drama"...

5 years later, I understand exactly what he meant. Women are smart and very competitive. Between these bithces on my facebook wall and my text inobx? I STAY in trouble with the wife. I cant go into specifics because they ARE stalkers and like I keep tellin' yall, there's a link to this right on my facebook... But they postin' bogus shit on my wall! Like this one girl who stay gettin' me in trouble keep implying that I'm hittin' it! I don't want anyone THINK I'd hit that with somebody elses dick!

I'm slowly making the transition to grown... and I might just need to make some changes to my facebook as a whole AND my phone number.. tooooooo many people got that!

Yall, whenever I'm romantically involved with someone I always ask them what it is about me that they are attracted to. A good friend of mine realized this today so I feel that I need to explain myself. I don't do it for an ego booster (puh-lease.. like that could get any bigger.. ). I do it to see if this thang gonna work. If you like me for the wrong reasons? I know to throw ya application away. For example.. If you like my 'swag'? You'll be disappointed because it fluctuates everyday and is based on trivial shit... I get basic-bitches digging my swag a lot. I think its funny... they can't even elaborate on the factors of the swag... Ya don't even know ME!

I've asked that questions a few times... and only one person has got it right... and what do ya know.. She got to stick around ;)

Yall, its two in the damn morning... I'm suffering from insomnia of some sort. I see no reason to get in my bed. I think I'm tired of getting in the bed alone... and no, i don't want sex you nasties... I just want someone to rub my back or hold my hand till I fall asleep.... Takes me so long to fall asleep, but when I have that nice human contact? I be GONE.. lol, I feel safer or something. I didn't realize it till I got held right the other day...

Its insane how well her body fits to mine...

Song of the Day:. "Lucky" Jason Mraz
"I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend"

Sorry for the short entry, yall. I type loud and my roomie sleep and my mind just aint where it needs to be to spit out good words. I'll do better. yall understand

♥

-C

Gender & Sexuality Part 2: The Script

2009-10-20T11:18:00.000-04:00

[Click on the title to read Part 1]

Hey yall, ok ok. I'mma tackle it today.

I call this part The Script beacuse from the moment we're born we're given a script much like an actor gets one before going on stage or on the screen. Our script is based on who we come out of, where we're located, the color of our skin, texture of our hair, gender and a whole slew of other things. Things on my script? Black female in America from a single mother. Thats 4 damn things but has defined a LOT of things about me.

For the sake of the subject I wont go into what those 4 things have meant for me (in this entry anyway...) but the point is we all have a script. I think that alot of people just stick to the script for the sake of comfort ya know? In the context of gender? Females play with their barbies, males play with GI Joe (wow.. I'm old) and stay in those gender roles... If thats you? Cool. But for a lot of us gender isn't that simple.

I loved barbies when I was little. (I remember wanting a mexican one..lol ) but so did my brother.. He's on his way to manhood and he's very heterosexual. I also like playing with his hot wheels cars.. When we were kids we were innocent enough to love the toys for the sake of using our imagination... I never thought my brother was gay when we'd play with my barbies... and he probably thought nothing when we made our sick ass race tracks (yall aint ready..lol)

I just dont understand why society is sticking to the script but the PEOPLE aren't. There are super masculine men, and there are super feminine women... thats who they are and thats cool. But there are super masucline women and super feminine men.. There's also mothafuckas (like me) who are just in between. Why the hell everyone got a problem because some of us dont stick to the script?

Aint nothing wrong with a little improv...

I came up with "The Script" metaphor when I was in the gay club this weekend. Gender roles truly go out the window in that environment and to me, it seems the most natural. No one's reading the script, everyone can truely be themselves. Butch? or Femme? Whatever.. you are accepted! I thought about it when I was dancing with a good male friend of mine whose super femme and does drag sometimes.. Him and I love dancing but the roles are totally reversed when we're on the dance floor and its natrual to us.

Then around 3 (when everyone gets good and loose.. lol) this BEAUTIFUL drag queen starts flirting hard with me on the dance floor. She had to be 6'5" cause of the heels. A drag queen flirting with a girl? That REALLY aint part of the script cause aint no type of lable you can put on that! Does that make "her" straight? Does that make me gay? You can't answer... and thats the way I like it! LOL

One of my life goals is to make it easy for people to live in this world and simply be themselves. Our race and gender identities play a big role in changing who we are. There are so many people who are 'different' than the 'norm' and I don't think anyone should be forced to conform. I got the confidence to be me.. but there might be people who don't have it. Conforming shrinks your lifespan...

Thats my Fonsworth for the day. Gotta go get my laundry then get cute and hit the yard for my meeting.

I'm happy.

Song of the Day:. "Be Where You Are" Trey Songz

-C

Property of.....

2009-10-19T23:50:00.000-04:00

Folks, it seems that I've been marked. See, it all started when a certain someone came to bring me my hoodie.. She was 20 minutes LATE and was seriously taking away from my nap. I mean, I planned on being back awake before the sun went down. People just be fucking with your plans! I slept till 8 yall! I told her to write on me and she kinda went loco. She tends to do that. It says "Property of HB aka Cheeks"... she jus tryna let these hoes know ;)

She told me I was "hott" today. Meaning, in so many words that I've got involved with alotta people since her and I 'broke up'. Its a defense mechanism yall. I casually date.. and I do mean casual. Aint nobody the HB in my eyes and that'll be true for a minute. I'm fine with that. I told her today that I got girlfriends for days but she was my wife... I got a stank face. LOL

Ok, I don't feel like attacking the whole Gender Part 2 tonight.. Yall understand, but I promise I will this week.

Lets talk about my 'date' of sorts Friday... It wasn't really that much pressure, but I failed to mention that it was a white boy. We made a run to the liquor store and to Kroger to pick up some items for dinner... yall shoulda seen the looks we got. The sistas was looking at me like "you go girl" the white boys were looking surprised.. like they wanted them a sista too but didn't know that it was allowed. LOL, the brothas either looked mad at me or tried to flirt with me extra hard.... Want a black man? Get you a white one.. they'll try to get you back on the other side... It was interesting. Made me really think about what if I married a white man.. would I get tired of the looks? Things are getting better but I mean, there are still Barbarians.. the same mofos who was tryna conquer Rome.. (Sorry.. been knee high in my history book ) Anywho, idk yall I want my kids to have a black daddy... but then again, I had one and it didn't do me any good... So.... Hmmm...

My (male) cousin isn't happy about me 'dating' a white boy. He be alright tho. He likes white girls... I tell him every chance I get to get him a black girl... LOL Ahhh... some stuff just doesn't die does it?

Yall, I'mma stop talking about Trey's album one day... I just LOVE it. I need a hardcopy... I might fuck around and buy this and I aint bought music since 8 tracks.. lol. Yall need to listen to "Yo Side of the Bed"... Its the type of song that will have you crying and you aint even going thru nothin! He's talking about how his woman done got up and left and he can't sleep without her. Its lonley on her side of the bed.. He's hugging her pillow and shit... Shewt, I'mma sing this to someone besides my roomate one day. LOL, Its very Prince. Love it. The guitar solo? Sheesh!

Yall, my back is hurtin in the middle... I mean, like I been fucked real good.. and I have NOT! UGH! I don't mind a little back pain in the name of love ;) Someone need to come do they job... you kno who u r..

Just a lil random blogging for yall... whatever's on my mind...

I'mma Buffalo Soldier... Dread-Locked RASTA!!!!!!!!!!

Song of the Day:. "Yo Side of the Bed" -Trey

-C